Blast From The Past: The Myth Of Self Denial
Betsy, of My Whim Is Law, puts us back into the child rearing trenches, as we take a short break from politics (we'll be back. Be afraid, be very afraid). Today's guest post is an example of how sometimes child rearing is nothing less that a battle for that stratgic position that makes the next battle easier. Betsy takes a look at herself along the way- and makes the stunning addmission that she isn't perfect (hard as that is to believe).
As an aside, in another post, (well worth reading because of some excellent links) Betsy points us to a post by Mamacita wherin she discusses the the village of ours- a very different view than that of John's, in his guest post below.
We know these posts are important, if for no other reason than they spark thought, ideas and exchange.
We modern-day parents pride ourselves on being open and honest with our children about the facts of life. No euphemisms for us - we use clinical terms, we talk about sperm and eggs, and we leave fables like cabbage patches to our predecessors.
But we're often caught flat-footed when our children make the next logical leap. So it happened to a friend of mine when her seven-year-old daughter came downstairs before bedtime with this
question:
"Mom, when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina to make a baby, does it feel good?"
When she recounted the tale in a private online forum, the crowd - all adults, mind you - recoiled. "How'd you handle it? What'd you say? How can we answer *that*!"
My response? You tell the truth about this, too. Yep, sex feels good. And telling the truth, using unvarnished words and frank talk, becomes even more important as our children mature and start to become aware of themselves as sexual beings. Too many people want to skip or gloss over the physical, mechanical aspects of sexual arousal when talking to their kids - or worse, they lie.
And too many parents want to believe that you can skip that whole conversation - the 'it feels good' aspect - by teaching their children that abstinence from all matters sexual is the only way of preventing kids from indulging in behaviors they're not yet emotionally ready for.
I believe the 'self-denial' solution is misguided, flawed, and hopelessly naive. What's worse - it's an example modern society fails to demonstrate. We overindulge in ways big and small, and deny ourselves very little. How can we honestly expect our children to follow a different path?
Am I advocating that we shrug our collective shoulders and go with the 'if it feels good, let it ride' philosophy? No - but I am suggesting that we not get all coy about the fact that our kids can- and will- be sexually aroused well before they're able to consummate that in a way that's deemed socially acceptable, or are emotionally ready for. And we talk honestly, without value judgements or squeamish euphemisms, about ways of dealing with that arousal. Yep, that means
we get blunt and realistic about topics like masturbation and safe sex, for starters.
Do I particularly want to talk to my son about how best to relieve or channel sexual tension? Uh
no. Does he want to talk to me - or any other adult - about it? Absolutely not. And I'm quite sure he doesn't even want to think about his mother as a sexual being either - one who struggles herself with these issues as a single dating parent (newsflash- if I don't do such a hot job all the time with that whole self-denial bit at 42 despite knowing better from first-hand experience, why do I honestly expect my kid to do better?)
I'd love to believe that it's not necessary - just like I'd love to be able to trot out the cabbage patch tale to describe where babies come from.
But I'm just going to have to buck up, put the squeamishness aside, and have that conversation anyway - or enlist his father or another adult male to do so in my stead, if necessary. And while I'm at it, we're going to talk about what consensual sex is - and isn't. The power dynamics of oral sex, as practiced by today's teenagers. The multiple definitions of sexual responsibility, from safe sex practices and beyond. What we mean when we use the term 'sexual ethics'. And the pros and cons of 'hooking up.'
If I'm going to do this, I'd just as soon leave no myth unquestioned...
This post was originally published On April 22, 2005
As an aside, in another post, (well worth reading because of some excellent links) Betsy points us to a post by Mamacita wherin she discusses the the village of ours- a very different view than that of John's, in his guest post below.
We know these posts are important, if for no other reason than they spark thought, ideas and exchange.
We modern-day parents pride ourselves on being open and honest with our children about the facts of life. No euphemisms for us - we use clinical terms, we talk about sperm and eggs, and we leave fables like cabbage patches to our predecessors.
But we're often caught flat-footed when our children make the next logical leap. So it happened to a friend of mine when her seven-year-old daughter came downstairs before bedtime with this
question:
"Mom, when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina to make a baby, does it feel good?"
When she recounted the tale in a private online forum, the crowd - all adults, mind you - recoiled. "How'd you handle it? What'd you say? How can we answer *that*!"
My response? You tell the truth about this, too. Yep, sex feels good. And telling the truth, using unvarnished words and frank talk, becomes even more important as our children mature and start to become aware of themselves as sexual beings. Too many people want to skip or gloss over the physical, mechanical aspects of sexual arousal when talking to their kids - or worse, they lie.
And too many parents want to believe that you can skip that whole conversation - the 'it feels good' aspect - by teaching their children that abstinence from all matters sexual is the only way of preventing kids from indulging in behaviors they're not yet emotionally ready for.
I believe the 'self-denial' solution is misguided, flawed, and hopelessly naive. What's worse - it's an example modern society fails to demonstrate. We overindulge in ways big and small, and deny ourselves very little. How can we honestly expect our children to follow a different path?
Am I advocating that we shrug our collective shoulders and go with the 'if it feels good, let it ride' philosophy? No - but I am suggesting that we not get all coy about the fact that our kids can- and will- be sexually aroused well before they're able to consummate that in a way that's deemed socially acceptable, or are emotionally ready for. And we talk honestly, without value judgements or squeamish euphemisms, about ways of dealing with that arousal. Yep, that means
we get blunt and realistic about topics like masturbation and safe sex, for starters.
Do I particularly want to talk to my son about how best to relieve or channel sexual tension? Uh
no. Does he want to talk to me - or any other adult - about it? Absolutely not. And I'm quite sure he doesn't even want to think about his mother as a sexual being either - one who struggles herself with these issues as a single dating parent (newsflash- if I don't do such a hot job all the time with that whole self-denial bit at 42 despite knowing better from first-hand experience, why do I honestly expect my kid to do better?)
I'd love to believe that it's not necessary - just like I'd love to be able to trot out the cabbage patch tale to describe where babies come from.
But I'm just going to have to buck up, put the squeamishness aside, and have that conversation anyway - or enlist his father or another adult male to do so in my stead, if necessary. And while I'm at it, we're going to talk about what consensual sex is - and isn't. The power dynamics of oral sex, as practiced by today's teenagers. The multiple definitions of sexual responsibility, from safe sex practices and beyond. What we mean when we use the term 'sexual ethics'. And the pros and cons of 'hooking up.'
If I'm going to do this, I'd just as soon leave no myth unquestioned...
This post was originally published On April 22, 2005
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