We have spoken to your mother. We know everything.
Saturday, April 30, 2005
Friday, April 29, 2005
1-800-WE-DON'T-CARE
We like this joke. It is an old one, but we like it anyway. So will you- because we have a great sense of humor and we know what will make you laugh.
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the # key until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have a masochistic complex, please press "0" for the operator. There are 200 calls ahead of you.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
Feminism, One More Time
Where did feminism go wrong? One only has to look to women themselves to see the divisive issues that feminism has laid bare. SC&A have decided to revisit the issue and add a few more thoughts to some ideas we have had.
Feminism remains controversial- even among it's proponents- because of the ferocity of many of it's adherents. It would seem that feminism has become a 'take no prisoners' proposition, no matter what the issue. The driving force behind feminism, choice, seems to be a forgotten, if not pesky attribute. The feminist establishment decries women who don't view politics, religion, sexuality and even motherhood the way they do. Women who don't see it their way are labeled traitors. Even the word 'rape,' that vicious and heinous crime 0f violence against women, is often appropriated by some women (and others) with different agendas, to describe what they believe are other injustices. Disagree with them and you become an adversary.
Starting with the suffragette movement, feminism should have been one of the great human rights movements in history. The empowerment of women to the equal status of men, had the potential of tremendous change for the good in out society.
Instead it has become one of the great divisive and explosive issues of our time.
To understand why it failed is to understand a confluence of events that conspired to result in a great divide in our society.
The origins of feminism are patently clear.
There was a time when a man was measured by how well he took care of his family. Who he was, as an individual was measured by that.
He left his abode in the morning and went to the fields to tend his crops or went to the forest to hunt. His job was to provide the necessities of life, to provide for his mate and children. His mate was responsible for the home and raising the family. It was a partnership, plain and simple. One could not exist without the other and have a family. The description, while simplistic and incomplete, is essentially accurate, for the purpose of this discussion.
The Industrial Revolution, begun in 1789, and the time a bit earlier, heralded a change.
A man was now measured by what he did for a living, rather than how well he took care of his family. His work defined him. His position within the partnership changed. That he no longer had to tend his fields or hunt, to take care of his family was a mark in status and resulted in a change of attitude. He became identified by his job title or career.
He was a somebody, contributing to society, he would say, and remind his mate that she wasn't. He was part of the new times and she was not- and he never let her forget it. Her role was essentially unchanged. As time went on and the changing world made no room for her, she became even more disenfranchised.
She wanted to participate, as an equal. In truth, who could blame her? Men were as contributory to the demands of feminism as anyone else.
After almost 200 years of exclusion, women had enough and said, 'My turn, I want to contribute.'
So, she left the home and went to work, challenging and often besting men in their own environment. She became so adept at beating men and replacing them, she forgot who she was and she forgot the goal.
The goal wasn't to be a man, the goal was to be equal to a man. The goal wasn't to be men, with all their failings, but to excel and contribute to an higher ideal.
Proteins aren't the same as carbohydrates-- yet they both have caloric values and necessary nutrients. To negate that balance is to negate a chemical reality.
Women and men are inherently different-- a biological dictate. Neither is superior or inferior. To negate that reality is to negate a biological reality.
In negating those truths, feminism has failed miserably.
Instead of elevating women, feminism grafted onto the same failings as men. Rather than offer a higher ideal, women focused on being better men. Thus, they chose to be forever 'also rans,' in the attempt to negate themselves and their identities.
While feminists have achieved much for themselves to date, they have also lost much. Motherhood is still a second class endeavor. With a straight face, feminists will tell you that being home and raising children is of no consequence to the child's development. Men they say, are not needed to raise a child.
Their careers and status, they say, is the path to 'fulfillment.' They choose not to discuss the legions of women who wanted it all, only to find out it was too late, to have a family- and are now bitter at having ignored their biological clock. Many feminists choose not to talk about the legions of children who desperately want a father figure in their lives- sons and daughters. Instead, they extol the anonymity of test tube 'donors.'
Feminists want talk about everything but matters of real substance. There is no position or focus on rights other than abortion- and that, in truth, is more about men than it is about anything else.
There are no higher moral ideals- where are the women standing up for women being raped in Darfur, for example? Where are the protests on the Washington Mall decrying equal rights for women in third world countries, suffering horribly at religious and cultural discrimination?
It is said there are 100 million women that have suffered from FGM (Female Genital Mutilation). Read that number again. Surprised? So was I. Apparently, it isn't an issue feminists really want to put on the front burner. However, 'Sex in the City' is praised as a breakthrough for women. I'm sure the irony of women basking in their sexuality is lost on the victims of FGM.
Feminists, apparently, are still busy trying to gain membership in the Augusta National Golf Club. What possible higher calling can a feminist have?
Along with the ability to think, comes the ability to change ones mind. There can be no lockstep groupthink if feminism wishes to be considered anything other than just another political movement.
Human nature being what is, change does take time.
If feminists really want to regain any kind of moral high ground, they would be best served by addressing who they really are and striving toward those higher ideals, rather than choose to be identified by what they do in ' a man's world.'.
We men could learn a lot from that.
Feminism remains controversial- even among it's proponents- because of the ferocity of many of it's adherents. It would seem that feminism has become a 'take no prisoners' proposition, no matter what the issue. The driving force behind feminism, choice, seems to be a forgotten, if not pesky attribute. The feminist establishment decries women who don't view politics, religion, sexuality and even motherhood the way they do. Women who don't see it their way are labeled traitors. Even the word 'rape,' that vicious and heinous crime 0f violence against women, is often appropriated by some women (and others) with different agendas, to describe what they believe are other injustices. Disagree with them and you become an adversary.
Starting with the suffragette movement, feminism should have been one of the great human rights movements in history. The empowerment of women to the equal status of men, had the potential of tremendous change for the good in out society.
Instead it has become one of the great divisive and explosive issues of our time.
To understand why it failed is to understand a confluence of events that conspired to result in a great divide in our society.
The origins of feminism are patently clear.
There was a time when a man was measured by how well he took care of his family. Who he was, as an individual was measured by that.
He left his abode in the morning and went to the fields to tend his crops or went to the forest to hunt. His job was to provide the necessities of life, to provide for his mate and children. His mate was responsible for the home and raising the family. It was a partnership, plain and simple. One could not exist without the other and have a family. The description, while simplistic and incomplete, is essentially accurate, for the purpose of this discussion.
The Industrial Revolution, begun in 1789, and the time a bit earlier, heralded a change.
A man was now measured by what he did for a living, rather than how well he took care of his family. His work defined him. His position within the partnership changed. That he no longer had to tend his fields or hunt, to take care of his family was a mark in status and resulted in a change of attitude. He became identified by his job title or career.
He was a somebody, contributing to society, he would say, and remind his mate that she wasn't. He was part of the new times and she was not- and he never let her forget it. Her role was essentially unchanged. As time went on and the changing world made no room for her, she became even more disenfranchised.
She wanted to participate, as an equal. In truth, who could blame her? Men were as contributory to the demands of feminism as anyone else.
After almost 200 years of exclusion, women had enough and said, 'My turn, I want to contribute.'
So, she left the home and went to work, challenging and often besting men in their own environment. She became so adept at beating men and replacing them, she forgot who she was and she forgot the goal.
The goal wasn't to be a man, the goal was to be equal to a man. The goal wasn't to be men, with all their failings, but to excel and contribute to an higher ideal.
Proteins aren't the same as carbohydrates-- yet they both have caloric values and necessary nutrients. To negate that balance is to negate a chemical reality.
Women and men are inherently different-- a biological dictate. Neither is superior or inferior. To negate that reality is to negate a biological reality.
In negating those truths, feminism has failed miserably.
Instead of elevating women, feminism grafted onto the same failings as men. Rather than offer a higher ideal, women focused on being better men. Thus, they chose to be forever 'also rans,' in the attempt to negate themselves and their identities.
While feminists have achieved much for themselves to date, they have also lost much. Motherhood is still a second class endeavor. With a straight face, feminists will tell you that being home and raising children is of no consequence to the child's development. Men they say, are not needed to raise a child.
Their careers and status, they say, is the path to 'fulfillment.' They choose not to discuss the legions of women who wanted it all, only to find out it was too late, to have a family- and are now bitter at having ignored their biological clock. Many feminists choose not to talk about the legions of children who desperately want a father figure in their lives- sons and daughters. Instead, they extol the anonymity of test tube 'donors.'
Feminists want talk about everything but matters of real substance. There is no position or focus on rights other than abortion- and that, in truth, is more about men than it is about anything else.
There are no higher moral ideals- where are the women standing up for women being raped in Darfur, for example? Where are the protests on the Washington Mall decrying equal rights for women in third world countries, suffering horribly at religious and cultural discrimination?
It is said there are 100 million women that have suffered from FGM (Female Genital Mutilation). Read that number again. Surprised? So was I. Apparently, it isn't an issue feminists really want to put on the front burner. However, 'Sex in the City' is praised as a breakthrough for women. I'm sure the irony of women basking in their sexuality is lost on the victims of FGM.
Feminists, apparently, are still busy trying to gain membership in the Augusta National Golf Club. What possible higher calling can a feminist have?
Along with the ability to think, comes the ability to change ones mind. There can be no lockstep groupthink if feminism wishes to be considered anything other than just another political movement.
Human nature being what is, change does take time.
If feminists really want to regain any kind of moral high ground, they would be best served by addressing who they really are and striving toward those higher ideals, rather than choose to be identified by what they do in ' a man's world.'.
We men could learn a lot from that.
Thursday, April 28, 2005
The Week Is Almost Over, Let The Thinking Begin
In an earlier post, Preamble Before The Weather Changes, (which no doubt you have read and comprehended), Boomr, an always thoughtful reader, noted in the comments:
I'm with SC&A- and, it appears, everyone else herein- on this subject. I think the vast majority of voters exercise their voting rights through the path of least resistance; that is, the path that requires the least amount of thought. On some comment a few months ago, I noted that when I voted the last time, as I was walking in, a couple was walking out, the woman saying to the man, "I just voted for the President, I didn't vote for anything else." There were probably 15 other local and state issues/elections on the ballot that day, but this woman couldn't be bothered to read the one-sentence description of each one. Sad.And that, friends, is the question that will determine the kind of America in which our kids grow up.
But, just to play my much-enjoyed role of contrarian in this arena, isn't such complacency the natural evolution of a democratic system? If you have a system where all people have a vote, and if you assume that the general bell curve concept applies to the population, aren't most people going to be lumped somewhere in the middle of the road both intellectually and laziness-wise? And for these people, isn't it easier to work in sound-bytes that they can repeat, rather than expound on topics with intellectual zeal?
The ultimate question is: How can we get the rest of the country to engage in a higher form of public debate?
*UPDATE* Back To School, So Pay Attention This Time
SC&A have noted that the stupidity of what passes for academia is nothing short of spectacular. There is a movement afoot in the United Kingdom and even here in the US to boycott Israeli academicians and their research, to protest Israeli treatment of the Palestinians under Israeli occupation. We have written on the matter here and here- and we will continue to do so until the idiots in the academic (and some trendy (read: self absorbed) literary types) world wake up and smell the coffee.
We're going to make this easy for you, our fine readers. First, read this letter, penned by Martin Luther King, Jr., on the connecting the dots between anti Israel sentiment and anti-semitic sentiments. Read it now.
Now that you have read Dr. King's remarks, let us be clear- it is perfectly acceptable to criticize and even take issue with some of Israel's policies and politics. However, let us be more clear- those who initiated the boycott and called for the ostracization of Israeli academicians and Israeli students are the very people that call for the destruction of the State of Israel and not coincidentally, call for the eradication of the Jews. Not convinced? Mein Kampf is a best seller in Arab countries and mandatory reads in many Arab universities. Rounding out the Arab best seller list is the notorious Protocols of the Elders of Zion, that famous forgery. To make sure those literary masterpieces take hold, university courses, based on those texts, are taught throughout the Arab world.
The hypocrites that call for an Israeli boycott don't want you to know about who they got into bed with. They don't want you to know about an academic agenda beginning to resemble that of academic agendas of less savory societies. Let's examine that.
The real reflection of a any society's future is the state of education in that society. The more freedom a society has, the greater the educational opportunity and potential. As Aristotle said, "We cannot expect people to be free to choose, unless we create the conditions for them to be free."
If we take that at face value, how can we accept an ideological adversary in our academic midst that will do anything to keep that from happening- and do anything, including organizing a seemingly 'benign' boycott, predicated on a lie?
Further, in our own society, how is it we have a class of people, who in effect, share the same view as those we oppose, going as far as to wish for the renunciation of the very things that make us free and offer vociferous support of those who call for our destruction?
The 'conditions for freedom,' that Aristotle talks about, can be interpreted in many ways, it seems.
Arab world education has for decades, been at the bottom of the world educational barrel. At the same time, religious instruction was not widely available as it was viewed by the various Arab regimes as a potential source of rebellion and potential insurrection. This is important because it is from Arab 'academia' the boycott voices emanate.
After generations of neglect and the natural human need to feel in control of their own lives and wish to chart their own destiny, Arab regimes realized that they could co-opt Islam to their advantage and thus take the pressure off themselves to 'deliver the goods.' Higher education was not exempt. Colleges and universities have 'departments' of study that negate history and cultures, always 'proving' the superiority of Islam, regardless of action and deed.
Utilizing state approved clerics to administer and guide educational agendas to fit their needs, the Arab regimes have successfully manipulated another generation into oblivion. In the long repressed Arab Islamic world, religion supplanted the state and became the de facto educational provider.
Just as real education provides for unlimited opportunity and reward, religious instruction provides the opportunity for eternal reward and salvation. All that is required is permanent membership in the Fraternity of Hate. Feeding off each other and ideals reinforced by the state's claim of fulfilling it's Islamic obligation and destiny, the Arab finally has hope.
There is no chance of course, of religious instruction being relevant in actually providing for more earthly needs-- Islamist religious instruction deliberately shuns modernity and advancement, instead regaling students with ideals of regaining lost glory and superiority.
In the face of ever expanding Islamist educational culture, there is a brain drain to the West. The Arab world will not recover for a long time. Real critical thinking is not applauded in the Arab World.
In the Arab Middle East, religious education has provided the 'freedom' that state did not. As a result, children are inculcated with the idea that God mandated hate will provide the 'wealth' that they have been deprived of- wealth stolen by the infidels, with their concerted conspiracy to keep Muslims from their rightful destiny.
It is the 'mother's milk' of Arab discontent. It is also the same 'mother's milk' that has fed a generation of westerners and has bred a self loathing culture of discontent and hatred of all things Western.
It is these ideas that have invaded our educational institutions and have managed to find a home.
How it happened in hindsight, is easy to see. Our culture of freedom- expected and taken for granted- became our loving God, the ever forgiving and all tolerant being. We no longer had to pay for our freedoms- they were a God given right, bestowed upon us because we somehow deserved it. The Arab world told us that if we really were to deserve those freedoms, we had to pay for them- in a way they saw fit and the truth be damned.
An analogy can be made to the Art of Freedom versus the Science of Freedom.
Art requires only a passive commitment. One sees or hears what one wants to see or hear. One can participate in any way one chooses.
Science requires more active participation. Science takes work and there are measurable levels of achievement. There are fundamental truths and realities in life. Science respects those and always will. They are the building blocks.
Simply admiring freedom and expounding on it when the mood hits is not a commitment to freedom, it is an example of commenting on the art of freedom, not the science. That so many people are involved in the current political process is no measure of commitment to freedom. For example, let's examine life as we see it.
We are not commenting on politics, but rather, what is visible. The climate of 'Anybody but Bush' (ABB) is an example of how freedom is held in such low esteem. There are no other ideas, no rational alternatives and no real attempt at addressing the issues of the day, the orchestrated deceits of Michael Moore notwithstanding. Simply being against an administration- any administration- does not make for or prove effective political committeeman.
In other words, current liberal political ideology is like a wearing a lab coat. Simply wearing one doesn't make you a doctor.
There has to be a real commitment to freedom and active participation beyond the rhetorical level, every few years. Issues need to be understood and discussed openly and freely. Truth has to be arrived at in a fair and empirical manner. Hearty debate and opposition is good-- but it has to be arrived at by thorough discussion and understanding.
Snappy placards and slogans do not a political expert make.
We are in the situation we find ourselves in today, because we've allowed freedom to become an art form, where anything goes and everything is just a matter of expression. That people can have a variance of opinion is one thing. That they are considered credible is a sad commentary on the state of our educational system. Calling for ridiculous boycotts by a supposedly fair minded academia is quite another. If academia really gave a damn, they would boycott Egypt for it's treatment of the Copts. They would boycott Muslim countries that did nothing to stop FGM. They would boycott countries where mayhem, slavery and slaughter in the name of Islam continue. The list goes on and on.
Under current cultural climes, there is opposition to making the study of freedom a science. That would require work, a willingness to be loyal to truth and a stubborn commitment to the principles that make democracy work.
The democracy 'artists' of our educational system aren't much different than the religious 'educators' of the Arab world.
Keep students from dealing with the real failings of their education and their educators. Then define an objective and say and do anything you have to, and blame others for an ideal not realized. Be oppressed and define the enemy-- and that is anyone with a different opinion.
Really, it's an art form.
*UPDATE* Apparently, the letter referred to in this post is of dubious origin. See this. That said, the sentiments that were expressed were indeed those of Dr King, as the above reference clearly indicates. We apologize to our readers, of course. We published the original link in good faith. We would like to thank the reader that brought the error to our attention.
We're going to make this easy for you, our fine readers. First, read this letter, penned by Martin Luther King, Jr., on the connecting the dots between anti Israel sentiment and anti-semitic sentiments. Read it now.
Now that you have read Dr. King's remarks, let us be clear- it is perfectly acceptable to criticize and even take issue with some of Israel's policies and politics. However, let us be more clear- those who initiated the boycott and called for the ostracization of Israeli academicians and Israeli students are the very people that call for the destruction of the State of Israel and not coincidentally, call for the eradication of the Jews. Not convinced? Mein Kampf is a best seller in Arab countries and mandatory reads in many Arab universities. Rounding out the Arab best seller list is the notorious Protocols of the Elders of Zion, that famous forgery. To make sure those literary masterpieces take hold, university courses, based on those texts, are taught throughout the Arab world.
The hypocrites that call for an Israeli boycott don't want you to know about who they got into bed with. They don't want you to know about an academic agenda beginning to resemble that of academic agendas of less savory societies. Let's examine that.
The real reflection of a any society's future is the state of education in that society. The more freedom a society has, the greater the educational opportunity and potential. As Aristotle said, "We cannot expect people to be free to choose, unless we create the conditions for them to be free."
If we take that at face value, how can we accept an ideological adversary in our academic midst that will do anything to keep that from happening- and do anything, including organizing a seemingly 'benign' boycott, predicated on a lie?
Further, in our own society, how is it we have a class of people, who in effect, share the same view as those we oppose, going as far as to wish for the renunciation of the very things that make us free and offer vociferous support of those who call for our destruction?
The 'conditions for freedom,' that Aristotle talks about, can be interpreted in many ways, it seems.
Arab world education has for decades, been at the bottom of the world educational barrel. At the same time, religious instruction was not widely available as it was viewed by the various Arab regimes as a potential source of rebellion and potential insurrection. This is important because it is from Arab 'academia' the boycott voices emanate.
After generations of neglect and the natural human need to feel in control of their own lives and wish to chart their own destiny, Arab regimes realized that they could co-opt Islam to their advantage and thus take the pressure off themselves to 'deliver the goods.' Higher education was not exempt. Colleges and universities have 'departments' of study that negate history and cultures, always 'proving' the superiority of Islam, regardless of action and deed.
Utilizing state approved clerics to administer and guide educational agendas to fit their needs, the Arab regimes have successfully manipulated another generation into oblivion. In the long repressed Arab Islamic world, religion supplanted the state and became the de facto educational provider.
Just as real education provides for unlimited opportunity and reward, religious instruction provides the opportunity for eternal reward and salvation. All that is required is permanent membership in the Fraternity of Hate. Feeding off each other and ideals reinforced by the state's claim of fulfilling it's Islamic obligation and destiny, the Arab finally has hope.
There is no chance of course, of religious instruction being relevant in actually providing for more earthly needs-- Islamist religious instruction deliberately shuns modernity and advancement, instead regaling students with ideals of regaining lost glory and superiority.
In the face of ever expanding Islamist educational culture, there is a brain drain to the West. The Arab world will not recover for a long time. Real critical thinking is not applauded in the Arab World.
In the Arab Middle East, religious education has provided the 'freedom' that state did not. As a result, children are inculcated with the idea that God mandated hate will provide the 'wealth' that they have been deprived of- wealth stolen by the infidels, with their concerted conspiracy to keep Muslims from their rightful destiny.
It is the 'mother's milk' of Arab discontent. It is also the same 'mother's milk' that has fed a generation of westerners and has bred a self loathing culture of discontent and hatred of all things Western.
It is these ideas that have invaded our educational institutions and have managed to find a home.
How it happened in hindsight, is easy to see. Our culture of freedom- expected and taken for granted- became our loving God, the ever forgiving and all tolerant being. We no longer had to pay for our freedoms- they were a God given right, bestowed upon us because we somehow deserved it. The Arab world told us that if we really were to deserve those freedoms, we had to pay for them- in a way they saw fit and the truth be damned.
An analogy can be made to the Art of Freedom versus the Science of Freedom.
Art requires only a passive commitment. One sees or hears what one wants to see or hear. One can participate in any way one chooses.
Science requires more active participation. Science takes work and there are measurable levels of achievement. There are fundamental truths and realities in life. Science respects those and always will. They are the building blocks.
Simply admiring freedom and expounding on it when the mood hits is not a commitment to freedom, it is an example of commenting on the art of freedom, not the science. That so many people are involved in the current political process is no measure of commitment to freedom. For example, let's examine life as we see it.
We are not commenting on politics, but rather, what is visible. The climate of 'Anybody but Bush' (ABB) is an example of how freedom is held in such low esteem. There are no other ideas, no rational alternatives and no real attempt at addressing the issues of the day, the orchestrated deceits of Michael Moore notwithstanding. Simply being against an administration- any administration- does not make for or prove effective political committeeman.
In other words, current liberal political ideology is like a wearing a lab coat. Simply wearing one doesn't make you a doctor.
There has to be a real commitment to freedom and active participation beyond the rhetorical level, every few years. Issues need to be understood and discussed openly and freely. Truth has to be arrived at in a fair and empirical manner. Hearty debate and opposition is good-- but it has to be arrived at by thorough discussion and understanding.
Snappy placards and slogans do not a political expert make.
We are in the situation we find ourselves in today, because we've allowed freedom to become an art form, where anything goes and everything is just a matter of expression. That people can have a variance of opinion is one thing. That they are considered credible is a sad commentary on the state of our educational system. Calling for ridiculous boycotts by a supposedly fair minded academia is quite another. If academia really gave a damn, they would boycott Egypt for it's treatment of the Copts. They would boycott Muslim countries that did nothing to stop FGM. They would boycott countries where mayhem, slavery and slaughter in the name of Islam continue. The list goes on and on.
Under current cultural climes, there is opposition to making the study of freedom a science. That would require work, a willingness to be loyal to truth and a stubborn commitment to the principles that make democracy work.
The democracy 'artists' of our educational system aren't much different than the religious 'educators' of the Arab world.
Keep students from dealing with the real failings of their education and their educators. Then define an objective and say and do anything you have to, and blame others for an ideal not realized. Be oppressed and define the enemy-- and that is anyone with a different opinion.
Really, it's an art form.
*UPDATE* Apparently, the letter referred to in this post is of dubious origin. See this. That said, the sentiments that were expressed were indeed those of Dr King, as the above reference clearly indicates. We apologize to our readers, of course. We published the original link in good faith. We would like to thank the reader that brought the error to our attention.
Wednesday, April 27, 2005
Think Patsy Cline And Kissing Cousins
SC&A are firm admirers of those who persevere and extend their efforts, above and beyond the norm. There have been many great advances and breathroughs made by those that have doggedly persevered.
Still, as much as we appreciate those efforts, at times we do ask ourselves if there aren't one too many whack jobs out there.
Still, as much as we appreciate those efforts, at times we do ask ourselves if there aren't one too many whack jobs out there.
Funeral firm wins stand for vertical burials
After more than 15 years of trying, a plan to bury bodies standing up will finally be able to go ahead in south-western Victoria.The Victorian Planning Minister has approved land earmarked for a cemetery near Derrinallum, to be rezoned from rural to public use.
The vertical burials will reportedly be the first of their kind in Australia.
Corangamite Shire's Sophie Segafredo says funeral company Palacom has overcome a number of hurdles to achieve the approval.
"It has been a long time coming," she said.
"The people who have been pursuing the project have been working on it for 10 or 15 years, so it's now a relief I'm sure to them that the rezoning is finally taking place.
"I'm not sure when they're intending to start burials there, but there's no further impediment to getting on with the project."
The managing director of Palacom says the company is delighted with the approval.
Tony Duplix says the Darlington cemetery trust will run the new cemetery.
Mr Duplix says he expects the project will now proceed quickly.
"It's really just housekeeping issues now, at the moment the land is effectively a paddock and the trust will just go ahead with fencing, signage, access, issues like that and then they'll be open for business which means that we too will be open for business," he said.
We at the SC&A Institute are engaged in negotiations to open a major residential and long term care facility in Australia.
By the way, ever make a really big mistake? A really, really big mistake? Don't feel bad.
NG Eats, Again
Our first foray into cooking for Native Girl, the new Julia Child/Nigella Lawson included the following:
Why does NG believe she is worthy of all this?
Because she is the proud owner or a $70.00 kitchen paring knife, a silicon spatula (fortunately, it was the right shade of pink) and a butter bell (yes, a butter bell. We introduced butter bell's to NG- and as in other matters, she won't go back. You should be using a butter bell, too).
In any event, menu/recipe contributions and ideas are welcome. We have promised NG she can slice the vegetables (into various sizes and shapes) with her new pride and joy. Naturally, we shall remain at a distance.
Appetizer: Tuna filet, cut into one and a half inch strips, folded into prepared spring roll wrapping, lightly fried. Cut on the diagonal and serve. Dipping sauce of equal parts fresh squeezed lime juice and soy sauce.It seems NG now believes she is worthy of our very best efforts in the kitchen, all the time. Further, NG is now demanding our secret recipes and ingredients- all of them- even the ones that are recognized as our signature dishes!
Soup: Fruit soup- made with strawberries, oranges, bananas and kiwi, with a dollop of sweet cream and sprig of mint as garnish. Served chilled.
Entree: Chicken Wellington, pate of sauted onion and mushrooms, spinach and garlic, wrapped in Filo dough. Served with aspargus and herbed Hollandaise, and oven roasted new potatos, basted in a rosemary glaze.
Dessert: Poached Pears, surrounded by broiled fruit,sprinkled with vanilla sugar. Chocolate drizzle, of course.
Why does NG believe she is worthy of all this?
Because she is the proud owner or a $70.00 kitchen paring knife, a silicon spatula (fortunately, it was the right shade of pink) and a butter bell (yes, a butter bell. We introduced butter bell's to NG- and as in other matters, she won't go back. You should be using a butter bell, too).
In any event, menu/recipe contributions and ideas are welcome. We have promised NG she can slice the vegetables (into various sizes and shapes) with her new pride and joy. Naturally, we shall remain at a distance.
Priorities
First things first- you need to read the post below this one. It's important. We know it's long and there are no pictures, but we have confidence in (most of) you.
OK, on to other important matters.
Beth starts the day off with this. When you're done, Beth has a post on breast cancer, with lots of good links. Aptly called Time Out From The Silliness, Beth's post is a reminder of what really counts in life- and hard as it is for some of you to believe, it is not your opinion.
OK, on to other important matters.
Beth starts the day off with this. When you're done, Beth has a post on breast cancer, with lots of good links. Aptly called Time Out From The Silliness, Beth's post is a reminder of what really counts in life- and hard as it is for some of you to believe, it is not your opinion.
Some statistics from the American Breast Cancer Foundation:Please read Beth's post. No matter how smart you think you are, your opinions (asinine as we may think they are), won't be heard if you or your loved one aren't here.
* A woman dies of breast cancer every 12 minutes.
* Breast cancer is the leading cause of death for women age 35 to 50.
* 1 in 8 women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in her lifetime.
* Breast cancer is the leading cause of cancer deaths among African American women.
* Woman of low socio-economic status are more likely to be diagnosed with late-stage disease and die of the disease.
Tuesday, April 26, 2005
Preamble Before The Weather Changes
We intended to post on Islam, in response to some interesting ideas a commentator had left on previous posts. While we fully intend to do just that, we wanted the conversation to be less volatile. In order to to just that, we thought it was important to speak in a common language to address an issue of such great import. We realize there will those who disagree with us- we just hope it is for the right reasons, and not simply knee-jerk reactions. We have edited something we had written earlier- read it because your smart and you want to get smarter.
A friend of ours recently recounted part of a recent, shared conversation. Over dinner, our friend's mother made the remark that she "could not understand how anyone would want to live in the US," given the state of our current political climate.
Our friend, a rather thoughtful and insightful person was rather surprised at the off handedness of the remark and the implications implied. I should mention that our friend is probably more liberal in ideology than we are. Nevertheless, my friend was rather taken aback by the remarks. More liberal or not, my friend is nothing if not reflective, honest and thoughtful- and most importantly, focused. My friend exhibits a great sense of balance, proportion and wisdom. I have learned much. We don't always agree, but it is interesting to see that where we differ can usually be reduced to style, not import.
The conversation, as recounted and relayed, irked me more than a bit, not because of one person's opinion, but rather, because of it's casualness.
Irrespective of one's views, it has become part of our reality that complex issues and political positions can now be reduced and be summed up with one liners. Even more disheartening is the reality that this kind of discourse has become acceptable and de riguer.
Another friend of ours was discussing a variant of this topic. We mentioned that simply having differing views did not disqualify the relevance or patriotism of worthy adversaries. We went on to mention that we considered Patrick Daniel Moynihan a real American patriot. Although in many areas, the late senator Moynihan challenged the views of many not as liberal as he, there was never a question of his love of country or his dream to make America a better place for all her citizens. Mr Moynihan often crossed party lines and confounded his supporters and detractors on a regular basis. His entire raison d'etre was to help build a better America.
Our friend, an unabashed conservative, in his usual elegant way, concurred. With a few simple words, he stated plainly that he missed Mr Moynihan and wished there were more like him.
Debate is just that: debate. At it's best, debate can be a healthy exercise giving us pause and insisting that we think for ourselves. At its lowest, debate can be reduced to a toxic level, with the sole intent of poisoning what we call the free market of thoughts and ideas.
The demise of real debate is cancerous. The acceptance of 'spin' as reality has made for vitriol heretofore unknown. We're all guilty of it. It is easier to buy off the shelf than to cook for ourselves. We are filled with adulterated foods, real taste compromised and the empty calories of a mindless ideology, whatever it is, providing us with intellectual irrelevant weight.
We have forgotten what fresh food for thought tastes like.
Recently, we wrote this same friend about a someone who had made rather foolish sounding allegations about the recent elections and expected them to be taken at face value
There are rational voices to be heard- and listened to. In an interesting confluence of fate, recent columns by liberal and conservative pundits shared a similiar concerns. Mort Zuckerman recently wrote:
Conservatives will applaud such remarks, of course. After all, Zuckerman is preaching to the choir. The more important question is, how will conservatives react to the following, from Common Dreams?
The fact of the matter is, truth is no less truth simply because we don't like the bearer.
I wrote recently that words can be the rifle scope on the gun, that fires the bullets that kill.
If the uncivil debate continues unabated, we will have have lost something in this country, far more precious than elections or debates. We will have lost that part of ourselves that made America great- the intoxicating addiction to the truth and the notion that as a nation, Americans want a 'land of the free and the home of the brave.'
We must be free to express ourselves, without fear of exclusion and brave enough to consider ideas and thoughts that challenge us. If we are to discuss the threat of terror- and that conversation is actually about our future- and we cannot find a way to have the conversations that need to be had because one point of view or the other wishes to impose it's own version of what is PC, we are in deep trouble.
As newspapers become more partisan and elites of all stripes want to do our thinking for us, we would do well to remember the words of the Pledge of Allegiance-- One nation...With liberty and justice, for all.
Who we are and can be, cannot and should not be reduced to an offhanded remark over dinner.
A friend of ours recently recounted part of a recent, shared conversation. Over dinner, our friend's mother made the remark that she "could not understand how anyone would want to live in the US," given the state of our current political climate.
Our friend, a rather thoughtful and insightful person was rather surprised at the off handedness of the remark and the implications implied. I should mention that our friend is probably more liberal in ideology than we are. Nevertheless, my friend was rather taken aback by the remarks. More liberal or not, my friend is nothing if not reflective, honest and thoughtful- and most importantly, focused. My friend exhibits a great sense of balance, proportion and wisdom. I have learned much. We don't always agree, but it is interesting to see that where we differ can usually be reduced to style, not import.
The conversation, as recounted and relayed, irked me more than a bit, not because of one person's opinion, but rather, because of it's casualness.
Irrespective of one's views, it has become part of our reality that complex issues and political positions can now be reduced and be summed up with one liners. Even more disheartening is the reality that this kind of discourse has become acceptable and de riguer.
Another friend of ours was discussing a variant of this topic. We mentioned that simply having differing views did not disqualify the relevance or patriotism of worthy adversaries. We went on to mention that we considered Patrick Daniel Moynihan a real American patriot. Although in many areas, the late senator Moynihan challenged the views of many not as liberal as he, there was never a question of his love of country or his dream to make America a better place for all her citizens. Mr Moynihan often crossed party lines and confounded his supporters and detractors on a regular basis. His entire raison d'etre was to help build a better America.
Our friend, an unabashed conservative, in his usual elegant way, concurred. With a few simple words, he stated plainly that he missed Mr Moynihan and wished there were more like him.
Debate is just that: debate. At it's best, debate can be a healthy exercise giving us pause and insisting that we think for ourselves. At its lowest, debate can be reduced to a toxic level, with the sole intent of poisoning what we call the free market of thoughts and ideas.
The demise of real debate is cancerous. The acceptance of 'spin' as reality has made for vitriol heretofore unknown. We're all guilty of it. It is easier to buy off the shelf than to cook for ourselves. We are filled with adulterated foods, real taste compromised and the empty calories of a mindless ideology, whatever it is, providing us with intellectual irrelevant weight.
We have forgotten what fresh food for thought tastes like.
Recently, we wrote this same friend about a someone who had made rather foolish sounding allegations about the recent elections and expected them to be taken at face value
...Irrespective of one's politics, [the claim that] that Mr Bush or any of his colleagues are 'fascists' is not in evidence. Until such time as truly fascist behavior is exhibited, such as taking control of the press, suspending the US Constitution and the Bill of Rights or declaring martial law, John's allegations are certainly not a historical event.One writer in the NYT wrote that Europeans see Americans as having more in common with the Taliban than they do with Western Europeans. It is this type of thinking and pandering, along with others propagating the idea that Europe as the center of immorality, that provides in part for the decline of our civilization, as much as any other threat we face.
Lacking any serious evidence and corroboration, John's claims are spurious at best is no evidence whatsoever the election was 'stolen' as John contends. Neither Mr Kerry, the Democrat Party, Democrat Party pollworkers, observers or the UN observers in place, made such allegations. If as John says, 'the fix was in,' it would be a good thing if he were to present such evidence. I'm sure the Federal Election Commission, in conjuction with the media, would examine such evidence carefully and seriously. There is no evidence that the Mr Bush wishes to establish a theocracy. Is John implying that there are no Democrats who believe in God, or attend church? Is his implying that that no atheists voted for Mr Bush? There is ample evidence to suggest that there is plenty of crossover voting. I am a bit uncomfortable with the idea that democracy has no room for some of a particular stripe. All in all, John seems to have not posted on a historical event, but rather on an unsubstantiated set of allegations. To be certain, John's views are one side of the same coin. The same type of silliness can be heard on the reverse of that coin.
There are rational voices to be heard- and listened to. In an interesting confluence of fate, recent columns by liberal and conservative pundits shared a similiar concerns. Mort Zuckerman recently wrote:
... Americans rejected the hedonism of Woodstock, in which individual choice and uninhibited, personal expression trumped all. Hollywood came to epitomize for them this narcissism and repudiation of conventional values. They were tired ofthe new counterculture of radical change, seeing in the New Left acontempt for middle America and its values, reflected in fathers abandoning their families, the delegitimization of the sanctity of marriage, raising children without clear moral guideposts â all of which, in their minds, led to increased criminality, drug abuse,people being recast as society's victims rather than accepting responsibility for their own actions. They yearned to restore the authority of public institutions and to remove some of the violence and sexuality in TV programs, records, and computer games, whose content they ascribed to the liberals who write the screenplays for TV and movies.Liberals will abhor such remarks, of course, but in the context of civil debate, they are indeed, relevant.
Against this backdrop, the Democratic Party saw its leadership shifting away from its working-class and middle-class roots, away from moral traditionalists, especially families that go to church, away from those who live in unfashionable tract suburbs and even in working-class neighborhoods. The Democratic Party was increasingly identifying more with the rising elites of the information and entertainment age - what commentator Joel Kotkin calls the"hip-ocracy" of well-educated people, high-tech tycoons, Hollywood moguls and celebrities, Wall Street financiers, and an academic world of people with graduate degrees - a new social elite, much more liberal than the country at large. Bill Clinton's "I feel your pain" and "It's the economy, stupid!" reflected the need to reconnect with the traditional Democratic middle-class constituencies, but then he exacerbated the concern over moral values and family issues with his personal behavior.
Conservatives will applaud such remarks, of course. After all, Zuckerman is preaching to the choir. The more important question is, how will conservatives react to the following, from Common Dreams?
Tens of millions of Americans feel betrayed by a society that seems to place materialism and selfishness above moral values. They know that "looking out for number one" has become the common sense of our society, but they want a life that is about something more --- a framework of meaning and purpose to their lives that would transcend the grasping and narcissism that surrounds them. Sure, they will admit that they have material needs, and that they worry about adequate health care, stability in employment, and enough money to give their kids a college education. But even more deeply they want their lives to have meaning --- and they respond to candidates who seem to care about values and some sense of transcendent purpose...Can anyone deny the truth of what the writer states? Can anyone deny the fundamental reality that given the right focus and direction, liberal values will appeal to many? I for one, have no doubt of that. I share some of the writers ideas and thoughts. I may not agree with all his politics, but like Patrick Moynihan, Rabbi Lerner cannot be dismissed simply because of his political affiliations. We would do well to read and understand his points of view and ideas, if for no other reason that they are sound and contain more than a kernel of truth.
Yet to move in this direction, many Democrats would have to give up their attachment to a core belief: that those who voted for Bush are fundamentally stupid or evil. Its time they got over that elitist self righteousness and developed strategies that could affirm their common humanity with those who voted for the Right. Teaching themselves to see the good in the rest of the American public would be a critical first step in liberals and progressives learning how to teach the rest of American society how to see that same goodness in the rest of the people on this planet. It is this spiritual lesson --- that our own well-being depends on the well-being of everyone else on the planet and on the well-being of the earth- a lesson rooted deeply in the spiritual wisdom of virtually every religion on the planet, that could be the center of a revived Democratic party. Yet to take that seriously, the Democrats are going to have to get over the false and demeaning perception that the Americans who voted for Bush could never be moved to care about the well being of anyone but themselves. That transformation in the Democrats would make them into serious contenders.
The fact of the matter is, truth is no less truth simply because we don't like the bearer.
I wrote recently that words can be the rifle scope on the gun, that fires the bullets that kill.
If the uncivil debate continues unabated, we will have have lost something in this country, far more precious than elections or debates. We will have lost that part of ourselves that made America great- the intoxicating addiction to the truth and the notion that as a nation, Americans want a 'land of the free and the home of the brave.'
We must be free to express ourselves, without fear of exclusion and brave enough to consider ideas and thoughts that challenge us. If we are to discuss the threat of terror- and that conversation is actually about our future- and we cannot find a way to have the conversations that need to be had because one point of view or the other wishes to impose it's own version of what is PC, we are in deep trouble.
As newspapers become more partisan and elites of all stripes want to do our thinking for us, we would do well to remember the words of the Pledge of Allegiance-- One nation...With liberty and justice, for all.
Who we are and can be, cannot and should not be reduced to an offhanded remark over dinner.
Life Lessons, Revisited
Below is letter we received from John, author of the SoundOfMuzik. It was originally posted here.
We are republishing this letter because we believe it is relevant in light of a similiar tragic event that has occured in Colorado Springs, John's home town. John posts on the occurence, here and here.
As readers, it is cathartic for us to witness what was a deeply moving and painful experience transform into an even more difficult exercise in parenting.
This has been a tough email to write. I think this is my 10th attempt.
I grew up with an Andrew also (see this- ed). His name was Patrick. He found a spot in my heart during grade school when he tried to bust up a gang of bullies that were giving me a hard time. I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me. He just knew it was the right thing to do. He was slightly autistic and ended up taking my beating for me. Naturally, I befriended him. We talked many times about deep subjects and I came to find that he was intelligent but lacked the physical ability to show it.
His mind was one of the most well organized archives of thought I had encountered. All anyone ever needed to do was listen to him but no one ever did. Listening to Patrick took a great deal of patience and I often tried to finish his sentences for him. This drove him nuts and he would often change his entire story just to show that I didn’t know what he was trying to say. He hated being predictable.
I took a lot of hits from other kids for hanging around with Patrick but I was indebted to him and he was the only person I knew that truly knew what friendship was about.
Patrick taught me much.
His parents were divorcing and he felt it was his fault. He knew they got frustrated with him and he had heard them argue about him in the past. As it turns out, his Mother had some serious issues and Patrick’s father was going to get custody of him and his sister (I had a huge crush on his sister but that had nothing to do with our friendship).
One night as Patrick and his sister were sleeping, his parents got into a huge argument and their father stormed out of the house. Their Mother then shot them both in the head so the father wouldn’t get them.
That was many years ago, but your post brought me to tears. I never could fathom how someone so good and pure wasn’t allowed to live a full life. But when I think back…Patrick’s life was as full as any adult I know today. He loved life and lived it optimistically. Most of us don’t learn to live like that until we are at the end of life itself.
I was fortunate in that Patrick gave me a head start down the road to realizing happiness.
We are republishing this letter because we believe it is relevant in light of a similiar tragic event that has occured in Colorado Springs, John's home town. John posts on the occurence, here and here.
As readers, it is cathartic for us to witness what was a deeply moving and painful experience transform into an even more difficult exercise in parenting.
This has been a tough email to write. I think this is my 10th attempt.
I grew up with an Andrew also (see this- ed). His name was Patrick. He found a spot in my heart during grade school when he tried to bust up a gang of bullies that were giving me a hard time. I didn’t know him and he didn’t know me. He just knew it was the right thing to do. He was slightly autistic and ended up taking my beating for me. Naturally, I befriended him. We talked many times about deep subjects and I came to find that he was intelligent but lacked the physical ability to show it.
His mind was one of the most well organized archives of thought I had encountered. All anyone ever needed to do was listen to him but no one ever did. Listening to Patrick took a great deal of patience and I often tried to finish his sentences for him. This drove him nuts and he would often change his entire story just to show that I didn’t know what he was trying to say. He hated being predictable.
I took a lot of hits from other kids for hanging around with Patrick but I was indebted to him and he was the only person I knew that truly knew what friendship was about.
Patrick taught me much.
His parents were divorcing and he felt it was his fault. He knew they got frustrated with him and he had heard them argue about him in the past. As it turns out, his Mother had some serious issues and Patrick’s father was going to get custody of him and his sister (I had a huge crush on his sister but that had nothing to do with our friendship).
One night as Patrick and his sister were sleeping, his parents got into a huge argument and their father stormed out of the house. Their Mother then shot them both in the head so the father wouldn’t get them.
That was many years ago, but your post brought me to tears. I never could fathom how someone so good and pure wasn’t allowed to live a full life. But when I think back…Patrick’s life was as full as any adult I know today. He loved life and lived it optimistically. Most of us don’t learn to live like that until we are at the end of life itself.
I was fortunate in that Patrick gave me a head start down the road to realizing happiness.
The Inside Out. or, The Other Side Of Parenting
Parenting, or parental instincts, come in varieties. Vicki, from OutsideIn, gives a different kind of parental view. She and her sisters are trying to take care of their mother.
This post isn't so much about children taking care of their parents. That has been part of our consciencness for a while. The more subtle and nuanced message is about that bond of love, as imperfect and flawed as it is.
There will be no happy ending here. For all the players, there will be sorrow, regret and in moments of complete privacy, there will be the daydreaming of a child yearning to rewrite a certain reality. There will also be acceptance and gratitude- perhaps not for what was lost but rather, for what was learned, and passed forward.
My mother has become a child in need of a good mother. Where do you find a good mother for an 80 year old woman who is far, far smarter than you, on any given day better read, better informed and more savvy on world affairs but still thinks that perhaps another Darvocette and a swig of Jack Daniel’s is the best thing for cardio-pulmonary dysfunction? And, if sober or tipsy, she has decided she wants to stay put in a winterized cottage 550 miles from her children, in a rural community where the Schwann’s delivery man is the closest thing to social services, how am I to care for her?.
Mothering was and is not my mother’s calling. She was never warm and fuzzy, rarely comforting and never, as far as I could tell, very interested in trying to discern our needs or feelings. She married young, had 3 children quickly and wanted out fast. She returned to school to become a teacher and poet and left me to care for my baby sister. When I was 15 she found herself accidentally pregnant again but with abortion not so much an option and this child being my stepfather’s only chance at a child, she had Laurel and promptly returned to teaching, leaving me to care for her. Within 18 months I had had enough of that so I left home early and attained independence at the expense of any time as a carefree older adolescent or young adult.
When I was thirty, done with grad school and expecting my own first child my mother and Bud moved to the outer most reach of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, on the edge of Lake Superior; Bud had taken early retirement from teaching in inner-city Detroit when they found bladder cancer and he had his bladder removed. At that time I didn’t have many close ties to family so I wasn’t really fazed that they were moving to someplace I could never conveniently get to; however, they up and left me with Laurel age 14, to finish raising. Laurie wasn’t wanting to ride the bus for 3 hours a day to get to and from Calumet Mining High and I could hardly blame her for preferring to live in Ann Arbor and these were precisely the sort of “me first” decisions my mom had been making for as long as I knew her. And here I was, doing my mother’s job again at a time when it would have been nice to have a mother for me , a mother to help guide my first weeks with a new infant.
My mom never did materialize into either a nurturing mother or a doting grandmother when my children were little. I came to realize that she really didn’t know how to be a mother. She couldn’t really play at child like pastimes, she could never relax amidst toddler commotion and chaos and she was never going to sit on the floor with them and enjoy Legos. Additionally she failed to comprehend that a tiny cottage buried in 8 feet of snow with two hot wood-burning stoves, a composting toilet and a litter of 7 Keeshonds was not the ideal place to turn a crawling child lose. So we saw little of each other.
S, C and A were discussing a couple weeks ago issues around parenting and redemption. That dialogue had stirred me to write a post about how my father and I made a good and loving peace as he became a gentle grandfather before he died at 65 years of age. With my mother it was different: ultimately what had been several decades of resentment and anger gave way to an understanding that I needed to just let go of it. The resentment was cramping up my life, my ability to be an open and giving person and hindering my marriage. So I got some help and did some heart wrenching and serious letting go. I also had the benefit of having so much of Laurel in my life and she has become a favorite sister, a good mother in her own right and the most dutiful daughter of the lot, when it comes to caring for my parents.
During those years, as my two children were growing up and I saw little of her my mother was growing into the person I think she was destined to be. She continued to be a wonderful teacher of English literature and language at Michigan Tech. She continued her writing. And she became a mother in the only way that she really comfortably could: she became a caretaker of nature. My mother became the best mother the Keweenaw Peninsula has ever had and she and my stepdad championed land preservation there in a way that has allowed one of the most beautiful places in the United States to remain pristine and clean. She wrote petitions, attended endless zoning meetings, and enlisted the aid of legislators and lawyers. She developed an organization of fellow environmentalists and used her incredible writing gift to help people understand the full implications of re-opening a mine, building a development or human encroachments on areas where wolves breed and eagles nest. She got sued by the largest mining company in the State and won. I believe they thought that they could easily intimidate elderly retirees living on meager teacher’s pensions into backing away and they were stunned to discover that she was not backing down and she had done her homework. She came within a hair of landing in jail at the ripe old age of 70 for disturbing the peace. Sometimes I “Google” my son, an up and coming saxophonist starting to get his due. Recently, on a whim, I also “Googled” my 80 year old mom and I was surprised to find numerous references to her and Bud’s work in environmental advocacy. She has become the mother of all mothers.
So now: my mom and stepfather live at the very edge of a large cold deep lake set a couple miles in from Lake Superior. There is a Bald Eagle nest in the tall tree nearby and in the summer the guy from Fisheries and Wildlife comes and climbs the tree and puts the eaglet in a pillow case and brings him down to band. They get to watch as he weighs the bird, takes blood and feather samples, gives him his bracelets and replaces him safely back in the nest. They have a bear that comes and steals their bird feeder. They have a porcupine that eats the outhouse seat. They have a pair of Common Loons who nest, year after year, in the marsh grass by their dock and then drift on the lake through the summer months with little balls of baby loon parked on their backs. They have Mergansers and Buffleheads and the lake is full of giant Pike and Sturgeon. This year Bud got my mother new picture windows and a lounge chair so she can sit and watch life on the lake.
And now: They are 12 hours by car or hundreds of dollars in plane fare from me. The IGA is 30 minutes away.They live 3 hours from the nearest medical center. There is no local ambulance service. My mother is tethered to oxygen 100% of the time with advancing emphysema and CPD. She is addicted to pain medication. In one short year she had a heart attack, he had a heart attack, they were in an auto accident and she fractured two vertebrae. He has no bladder but he has diabetes. She is losing her ability to eat solid foods She is going blind and they are both going deaf. Each emergency requires transport to Marquette, 160 miles away. During one of these hospitalizations I found myself wiping her clean after she lost control of her bowels rather than have her suffer the humiliation of a “stranger”- the nurse- take care of her. It was a stark moment in the middle of the night, me reassuring; her apologizing. Surprisingly I found it was like changing my children’s versus other’s diapers; family shit doesn’t smell nearly as bad as non-family. More surprisingly I found I could easily and willingly mother someone who hadn’t been able to mother me.
Last year my brother and sisters and I did all we could to persuade them to come south and be near us. I tried to lure them to our winterized cottage 45 minutes from Ann Arbor so they could have a lake, bring their two cats, enjoy their independence and still be close enough to medical care and the love of family. Another sister tried to help them move into the nearest town in the Keweenaw for the winter. We nudged, argued, intervened, begged, reasoned and pleaded. They were staying put. In fact, Bud has successfully petitioned the State to have a permit to turn the only piece of their land that perks into a private cemetery. He’s not leaving. Ever.
This past weekend I went for a visit and although I could go into great and humorous detail (and did some, in several posts. My siblings and I call it The Bud and Jan Show.)
suffice it to say that they are well. For old, sick people. Bud still drives and he goes the distance to town to find her a single precise thing- a brand of throat lozenge or a certain moisture lotion or a can of soup. He bathes her; he cooks for her. He still lusts after her with gentle humor (“Buuuudd! I’m cold! Could you get me a sweater?” “Oh, my dear, would you like a little ‘cover up job’ from your darling husband?”). He brings her the cats to sit on her lap. Together they watch endless news and world affairs programming and have loud and boisterous opinions on every issue. They forget nothing. They ask for detailed updates on their grown grandchildren and pour over photos they can barely see. They read my blog. And we have become friends.
I hate that they have put themselves and us in a position where we can’t care for them. I live anxiously, knowing that one of them will die in that cottage,sooner rather than later. But I have also come to respect their choice. They don’t wish to burden us (we tell them it wouldn’t be but who knows?). They WILL NOT consider assisted living- and why should they? There is no nursing home anywhere or at any price that will provide the care for my mother that she currently enjoys. And they WILL NOT leave their home and their passion for nature in the Upper Peninsula.
On some days I feel hopelessly wedged: I have young adult children who still need me as the mother I never had; they need advice, car insurance, leases co-signed, sometimes groceries and meals. I have my mother and stepfather who don’t say it but long for the company of their children- and now that we have become good friends and they are people I respect and enjoy I long for their company. On other days I resign myself to living with their decisions about how they will live out the end of their lives.
Many days I wonder who will care for me in old age and I hope that I have what they have: the courage to stay independent and a partner to love me so dearly.
For more of what makes Vickie tick, see this.
This post isn't so much about children taking care of their parents. That has been part of our consciencness for a while. The more subtle and nuanced message is about that bond of love, as imperfect and flawed as it is.
There will be no happy ending here. For all the players, there will be sorrow, regret and in moments of complete privacy, there will be the daydreaming of a child yearning to rewrite a certain reality. There will also be acceptance and gratitude- perhaps not for what was lost but rather, for what was learned, and passed forward.
My mother has become a child in need of a good mother. Where do you find a good mother for an 80 year old woman who is far, far smarter than you, on any given day better read, better informed and more savvy on world affairs but still thinks that perhaps another Darvocette and a swig of Jack Daniel’s is the best thing for cardio-pulmonary dysfunction? And, if sober or tipsy, she has decided she wants to stay put in a winterized cottage 550 miles from her children, in a rural community where the Schwann’s delivery man is the closest thing to social services, how am I to care for her?.
Mothering was and is not my mother’s calling. She was never warm and fuzzy, rarely comforting and never, as far as I could tell, very interested in trying to discern our needs or feelings. She married young, had 3 children quickly and wanted out fast. She returned to school to become a teacher and poet and left me to care for my baby sister. When I was 15 she found herself accidentally pregnant again but with abortion not so much an option and this child being my stepfather’s only chance at a child, she had Laurel and promptly returned to teaching, leaving me to care for her. Within 18 months I had had enough of that so I left home early and attained independence at the expense of any time as a carefree older adolescent or young adult.
When I was thirty, done with grad school and expecting my own first child my mother and Bud moved to the outer most reach of the Upper Peninsula of Michigan, on the edge of Lake Superior; Bud had taken early retirement from teaching in inner-city Detroit when they found bladder cancer and he had his bladder removed. At that time I didn’t have many close ties to family so I wasn’t really fazed that they were moving to someplace I could never conveniently get to; however, they up and left me with Laurel age 14, to finish raising. Laurie wasn’t wanting to ride the bus for 3 hours a day to get to and from Calumet Mining High and I could hardly blame her for preferring to live in Ann Arbor and these were precisely the sort of “me first” decisions my mom had been making for as long as I knew her. And here I was, doing my mother’s job again at a time when it would have been nice to have a mother for me , a mother to help guide my first weeks with a new infant.
My mom never did materialize into either a nurturing mother or a doting grandmother when my children were little. I came to realize that she really didn’t know how to be a mother. She couldn’t really play at child like pastimes, she could never relax amidst toddler commotion and chaos and she was never going to sit on the floor with them and enjoy Legos. Additionally she failed to comprehend that a tiny cottage buried in 8 feet of snow with two hot wood-burning stoves, a composting toilet and a litter of 7 Keeshonds was not the ideal place to turn a crawling child lose. So we saw little of each other.
S, C and A were discussing a couple weeks ago issues around parenting and redemption. That dialogue had stirred me to write a post about how my father and I made a good and loving peace as he became a gentle grandfather before he died at 65 years of age. With my mother it was different: ultimately what had been several decades of resentment and anger gave way to an understanding that I needed to just let go of it. The resentment was cramping up my life, my ability to be an open and giving person and hindering my marriage. So I got some help and did some heart wrenching and serious letting go. I also had the benefit of having so much of Laurel in my life and she has become a favorite sister, a good mother in her own right and the most dutiful daughter of the lot, when it comes to caring for my parents.
During those years, as my two children were growing up and I saw little of her my mother was growing into the person I think she was destined to be. She continued to be a wonderful teacher of English literature and language at Michigan Tech. She continued her writing. And she became a mother in the only way that she really comfortably could: she became a caretaker of nature. My mother became the best mother the Keweenaw Peninsula has ever had and she and my stepdad championed land preservation there in a way that has allowed one of the most beautiful places in the United States to remain pristine and clean. She wrote petitions, attended endless zoning meetings, and enlisted the aid of legislators and lawyers. She developed an organization of fellow environmentalists and used her incredible writing gift to help people understand the full implications of re-opening a mine, building a development or human encroachments on areas where wolves breed and eagles nest. She got sued by the largest mining company in the State and won. I believe they thought that they could easily intimidate elderly retirees living on meager teacher’s pensions into backing away and they were stunned to discover that she was not backing down and she had done her homework. She came within a hair of landing in jail at the ripe old age of 70 for disturbing the peace. Sometimes I “Google” my son, an up and coming saxophonist starting to get his due. Recently, on a whim, I also “Googled” my 80 year old mom and I was surprised to find numerous references to her and Bud’s work in environmental advocacy. She has become the mother of all mothers.
So now: my mom and stepfather live at the very edge of a large cold deep lake set a couple miles in from Lake Superior. There is a Bald Eagle nest in the tall tree nearby and in the summer the guy from Fisheries and Wildlife comes and climbs the tree and puts the eaglet in a pillow case and brings him down to band. They get to watch as he weighs the bird, takes blood and feather samples, gives him his bracelets and replaces him safely back in the nest. They have a bear that comes and steals their bird feeder. They have a porcupine that eats the outhouse seat. They have a pair of Common Loons who nest, year after year, in the marsh grass by their dock and then drift on the lake through the summer months with little balls of baby loon parked on their backs. They have Mergansers and Buffleheads and the lake is full of giant Pike and Sturgeon. This year Bud got my mother new picture windows and a lounge chair so she can sit and watch life on the lake.
And now: They are 12 hours by car or hundreds of dollars in plane fare from me. The IGA is 30 minutes away.They live 3 hours from the nearest medical center. There is no local ambulance service. My mother is tethered to oxygen 100% of the time with advancing emphysema and CPD. She is addicted to pain medication. In one short year she had a heart attack, he had a heart attack, they were in an auto accident and she fractured two vertebrae. He has no bladder but he has diabetes. She is losing her ability to eat solid foods She is going blind and they are both going deaf. Each emergency requires transport to Marquette, 160 miles away. During one of these hospitalizations I found myself wiping her clean after she lost control of her bowels rather than have her suffer the humiliation of a “stranger”- the nurse- take care of her. It was a stark moment in the middle of the night, me reassuring; her apologizing. Surprisingly I found it was like changing my children’s versus other’s diapers; family shit doesn’t smell nearly as bad as non-family. More surprisingly I found I could easily and willingly mother someone who hadn’t been able to mother me.
Last year my brother and sisters and I did all we could to persuade them to come south and be near us. I tried to lure them to our winterized cottage 45 minutes from Ann Arbor so they could have a lake, bring their two cats, enjoy their independence and still be close enough to medical care and the love of family. Another sister tried to help them move into the nearest town in the Keweenaw for the winter. We nudged, argued, intervened, begged, reasoned and pleaded. They were staying put. In fact, Bud has successfully petitioned the State to have a permit to turn the only piece of their land that perks into a private cemetery. He’s not leaving. Ever.
This past weekend I went for a visit and although I could go into great and humorous detail (and did some, in several posts. My siblings and I call it The Bud and Jan Show.)
suffice it to say that they are well. For old, sick people. Bud still drives and he goes the distance to town to find her a single precise thing- a brand of throat lozenge or a certain moisture lotion or a can of soup. He bathes her; he cooks for her. He still lusts after her with gentle humor (“Buuuudd! I’m cold! Could you get me a sweater?” “Oh, my dear, would you like a little ‘cover up job’ from your darling husband?”). He brings her the cats to sit on her lap. Together they watch endless news and world affairs programming and have loud and boisterous opinions on every issue. They forget nothing. They ask for detailed updates on their grown grandchildren and pour over photos they can barely see. They read my blog. And we have become friends.
I hate that they have put themselves and us in a position where we can’t care for them. I live anxiously, knowing that one of them will die in that cottage,sooner rather than later. But I have also come to respect their choice. They don’t wish to burden us (we tell them it wouldn’t be but who knows?). They WILL NOT consider assisted living- and why should they? There is no nursing home anywhere or at any price that will provide the care for my mother that she currently enjoys. And they WILL NOT leave their home and their passion for nature in the Upper Peninsula.
On some days I feel hopelessly wedged: I have young adult children who still need me as the mother I never had; they need advice, car insurance, leases co-signed, sometimes groceries and meals. I have my mother and stepfather who don’t say it but long for the company of their children- and now that we have become good friends and they are people I respect and enjoy I long for their company. On other days I resign myself to living with their decisions about how they will live out the end of their lives.
Many days I wonder who will care for me in old age and I hope that I have what they have: the courage to stay independent and a partner to love me so dearly.
For more of what makes Vickie tick, see this.
Monday, April 25, 2005
SC&A Lay Down The Law
We haven't written much of Native Girl as of late. There is a reason for that. We are experiencing technical difficulties.
Dating, courting and everything associated with these endeavors are much more difficult at our age. No, we are not old- we are just at the stage where your grandmother's words finally make sense- 'You'll become set in your ways.'
NG is set in her ways. She went knife shopping and bought the wrong knife. Why is it the wrong knife? Well, we are familiar with that knife, we are actually the cooking part of the relationship and we know knives.
Knives are not shoes. Knives do not have to look good. Knives have to work well. We don't care if knives match, or are stored in a pretty block. We don't care whose fancy ass name is on the knife. We don't care if the knife is German, French or American. We are very international. We have some knives that are German French and American. We buy our knives because they are, in our opinion, the best damn knives for the job.
NG will have none of that. She wants pretty, high end knives and pretty high end everything in the kitchen. Did we mention that NG doesn't cook?
Well, we set NG straight, once and for all. We let her know exactly what was what and we let her know exactly how much input she was going to have in furnishing and designing our kitchen. Our opinion and beliefs are strongly held- if you can't cook, you do not get to make the rules.
NG, listened to us intently and somewhat sheepishly, agreed. Now, we are going out to buy all new matching knives, pots, pans, flatware, dinnerware and serving pieces.
Sometimes, you just have to put your foot down. It makes for a much happier relationship.
Dating, courting and everything associated with these endeavors are much more difficult at our age. No, we are not old- we are just at the stage where your grandmother's words finally make sense- 'You'll become set in your ways.'
NG is set in her ways. She went knife shopping and bought the wrong knife. Why is it the wrong knife? Well, we are familiar with that knife, we are actually the cooking part of the relationship and we know knives.
Knives are not shoes. Knives do not have to look good. Knives have to work well. We don't care if knives match, or are stored in a pretty block. We don't care whose fancy ass name is on the knife. We don't care if the knife is German, French or American. We are very international. We have some knives that are German French and American. We buy our knives because they are, in our opinion, the best damn knives for the job.
NG will have none of that. She wants pretty, high end knives and pretty high end everything in the kitchen. Did we mention that NG doesn't cook?
Well, we set NG straight, once and for all. We let her know exactly what was what and we let her know exactly how much input she was going to have in furnishing and designing our kitchen. Our opinion and beliefs are strongly held- if you can't cook, you do not get to make the rules.
NG, listened to us intently and somewhat sheepishly, agreed. Now, we are going out to buy all new matching knives, pots, pans, flatware, dinnerware and serving pieces.
Sometimes, you just have to put your foot down. It makes for a much happier relationship.
Some Perspective
While the Western world grapples with the notion of assuming guilt for the excesses of the Crusades (and we are constantly reminded of the Crusades at every opportunity by many in the Muslim world), it bears remembering that the Christians and Church of today have no responsibility for the acts of Kings and Popes a thousand years ago.
Nevertheless, if those who wish to blame Christianity today for the Muslim-Christian animus today want to go that route, it is one they might want to reconsider. See this, written by an Arab liberal:
Nevertheless, if those who wish to blame Christianity today for the Muslim-Christian animus today want to go that route, it is one they might want to reconsider. See this, written by an Arab liberal:
"Most Arabs hate the West, especially the U.S., for many reasons; some date back to the Crusades and the Andalusia period, and more recently, because of Palestine and Iraq. I don't intend to delve into this historical turmoil, but for the sake of history, the Arabs should remember that they invaded and occupied important parts of Europe hundreds of years before the Crusades wars."The West and the U.S. in particular, as a result of their growing financial and moral power since the 1950s, and just like any human force, dominates and colonizes… just like them the Assyrians, the Romans, the Greeks, the Persians, the Arabs, the Tatars, the Ottomans and others did before them… But since the 1950s, both the dominating and dominated initiated an attempt to build a new world, where competition (which is part of human nature) gradually moved from the battlefields to the realm of creation, economy and trade. Sciences and inventions developed as never before, especially in the fields of space, communications and medicine, which led to the invention of computers, the Internet and satellites, and many medicines and antibiotics were discovered, overcoming many diseases and increasing humans' life expectancy. In general, the world went on a stable path of progress, as trade prospered (with the elimination of tariffs and the speed in transportation)."
"The West and the U.S. in particular achieved major accomplishments over the past century. As for us, Arabs and Muslims, we became at most consumers of these accomplishments and inventions; we reject them at first claiming they are designed to control us, then consume them fast and even hide it most of the time..."
There is more. See it here.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Hope And Glory, In Your House
SC&A have been talking about parenting as of late- mostly from the perspective of the adults. The discussions have been outstanding, thoughtful and the many insights we have shared amongst us have been an awakening, cause for real reflection and at times, self evaluation.
Aldon Hynes, of Orient Lodge (another outstanding blog), has an interesting piece on the real impact of parenting on kids.
Aldon Hynes, of Orient Lodge (another outstanding blog), has an interesting piece on the real impact of parenting on kids.
We live in a society that tells us not to get involved. As noted above, I learned from my divorce not to try and change other people, but only to try and change myself. Also, I’m no psychologist, so I have all kinds of reasons to not get involved. However, the father wanted me to come with him to pick up his daughter, and even though their marriage has ended, I still feel that my vows to support them still have meaning.Aldon's piece, "Love is but a song we sing..." is a poignant reminder of what parenting is about- the 'who' it is about. Read it all, here.
The daughter did not want to go with her father. They talked, he waited, he cajoled. Eventually, she came out and had ice cream with him. He continued to press his case for her spending time with him and she continued to protest.
Monday Morning, Center Stage
Want to be the hero or diva tomorrow morning? Of course you do- and it is a lot easier than you think. All you have to do talk about things exotic and/or out of the ordianry. If there is humor involved, well, even better.
So where do you go for that shot at Monday morning stardom? Why to SC&A of course! We will equip you with all you need to shine in the footlights of the Monday morning opening.
See this and this.
You are welcome.
So where do you go for that shot at Monday morning stardom? Why to SC&A of course! We will equip you with all you need to shine in the footlights of the Monday morning opening.
See this and this.
You are welcome.
More On Sex In Your Kids School
Remember MaxedOutMama's post on the assault on a develepmentally disabled girl? Well, the story isn't over yet. PitifulBlather has an update, well worth reading.
Apparently, the boy who videotaped the 'event' is appealing his expulsion. He feels he's been victimized by the whole event. Naturally, he also asserts that he should not be held responsiblefor videotaping the violent event. That story is here. Note there are other stories on the event.
PitifulBlather also tells of a sexual assault on a 14 year old in San Francisco that went unreported. The story, as reported, recounts how the school administrators refused to call the authorities.
These links and an exchange the author of PitifulBlather had with her daughter, will only highlight the disconnect between schools and parents.
To put it all perspective, reread Mamacita's post (yes, reread it. She is more knowledgeable, smarter and knows more about your kids than you do), 'A Teacher Tell The Truth About Your Kids And Sex.' It will get your blood pressure up again. There is only so long you can keep your head in the sand.
Apparently, the boy who videotaped the 'event' is appealing his expulsion. He feels he's been victimized by the whole event. Naturally, he also asserts that he should not be held responsiblefor videotaping the violent event. That story is here. Note there are other stories on the event.
PitifulBlather also tells of a sexual assault on a 14 year old in San Francisco that went unreported. The story, as reported, recounts how the school administrators refused to call the authorities.
These links and an exchange the author of PitifulBlather had with her daughter, will only highlight the disconnect between schools and parents.
To put it all perspective, reread Mamacita's post (yes, reread it. She is more knowledgeable, smarter and knows more about your kids than you do), 'A Teacher Tell The Truth About Your Kids And Sex.' It will get your blood pressure up again. There is only so long you can keep your head in the sand.
Saturday, April 23, 2005
What's The Deal?
What the hell are you doing home on a Saturday night, checking out blogs? Are you people insane? Why aren't you out there having fun?
Now before you pipe up and say, 'We have kids!' we'd like to remind you that you have parents, in-laws and other assorted relatives.
We have a good excuse- what's your's?
Now before you pipe up and say, 'We have kids!' we'd like to remind you that you have parents, in-laws and other assorted relatives.
We have a good excuse- what's your's?
Nazi This, Nazi That
"The first step in greatness is to be honest"- Samuel Johnson.
SC&A are tiring of the 'Nazi Pope' references made by many. We are waiting for those who make those references to call for a break in diplomatic relations with China, as those relations were established by Richard Nixon, disgraced former President.
We are also waiting for the vilification of Robert Byrd of West Virginia, admitted card carrying member of the KKK. He joined the Klan because he believed the Klan was an "effective force" in "promoting traditional American values."
Well?
SC&A are tiring of the 'Nazi Pope' references made by many. We are waiting for those who make those references to call for a break in diplomatic relations with China, as those relations were established by Richard Nixon, disgraced former President.
We are also waiting for the vilification of Robert Byrd of West Virginia, admitted card carrying member of the KKK. He joined the Klan because he believed the Klan was an "effective force" in "promoting traditional American values."
Well?
Friday, April 22, 2005
Hate, Racism and How We Deal With It
Recently, SC&A have been rather verbose and antagonistic towards a few individuals that have left comments on our political posts. Some of readers expressed surprised at the type of response and replies we issued.
By way of explanation, most readers know that SC&A is a forum where diverse thought and opinion are not only wanted and encouraged, but welcomed as well. We certainly have readers that have very different views than our own and we have always welcomed that diversity, appreciated and learned from those that have very different views. To them, we say thank you.
There is one exception, however, to the welcome that we extend here at the SC&A Institute. We will not tolerate hatred and racism, masquerading as opinion, fact or anything else- especially when that hatred is directed towards one group or another (and 999 times out of a 1000, that hatred is usually multi-directional). The person(s) who left comments that were critical of Israel- in the guise of 'Jewish' agendas and traits, will find no quarter on this blog. Nor will critics of any racial or ethnic minority whose sole purpose is to foster division or hate. We treat those offensive and malignant persons and ideas the same way- with derision. We understand that some readers may take issue with how we deal with persons that promote hate or racist agendas, but we don't care. This is our house and we shall deal with it as we see fit. And no- we cannot all get along. That's just how it is.
It is true that SC&A have written about currents trends in Islam- and have been highly critical. That said, we have reiterated the fact that we were not talking about all Muslims or all Arabs- and we repeated that on numerous occasions.
We have and we will continue that critique towards those that have perverted a religion and culture and those who would politicize that religion and culture so as to further an agenda of hate. There may be those that take umbrage with that, but so be it. Now, before some of you have a cow, read the previous paragraph, again.
If we have offended some of our regular readers, we extend our apology. Nonetheless, SC&A will not tolerate behavior that is hateful or racist. Ever.
Open debate is one thing- hate is quite another.
By way of explanation, most readers know that SC&A is a forum where diverse thought and opinion are not only wanted and encouraged, but welcomed as well. We certainly have readers that have very different views than our own and we have always welcomed that diversity, appreciated and learned from those that have very different views. To them, we say thank you.
There is one exception, however, to the welcome that we extend here at the SC&A Institute. We will not tolerate hatred and racism, masquerading as opinion, fact or anything else- especially when that hatred is directed towards one group or another (and 999 times out of a 1000, that hatred is usually multi-directional). The person(s) who left comments that were critical of Israel- in the guise of 'Jewish' agendas and traits, will find no quarter on this blog. Nor will critics of any racial or ethnic minority whose sole purpose is to foster division or hate. We treat those offensive and malignant persons and ideas the same way- with derision. We understand that some readers may take issue with how we deal with persons that promote hate or racist agendas, but we don't care. This is our house and we shall deal with it as we see fit. And no- we cannot all get along. That's just how it is.
It is true that SC&A have written about currents trends in Islam- and have been highly critical. That said, we have reiterated the fact that we were not talking about all Muslims or all Arabs- and we repeated that on numerous occasions.
We have and we will continue that critique towards those that have perverted a religion and culture and those who would politicize that religion and culture so as to further an agenda of hate. There may be those that take umbrage with that, but so be it. Now, before some of you have a cow, read the previous paragraph, again.
If we have offended some of our regular readers, we extend our apology. Nonetheless, SC&A will not tolerate behavior that is hateful or racist. Ever.
Open debate is one thing- hate is quite another.
The Myth Of Self-Denial
Betsy, of My Whim Is Law, puts us back into the child rearing trenches, as we take a short break from politics (we'll be back. Be afraid, be very afraid). Today's guest post is an example of how sometimes child rearing is nothing less that a battle for that stratgic position that makes the next battle easier. Betsy takes a look at herself along the way- and makes the stunning addmission that she isn't perfect (hard as that is to believe).
As an aside, in another post, (well worth reading because of some excellent links) Betsy points us to a post by Mamacita wherin she discusses the the village of ours- a very different view than that of John's, in his guest post below.
We know these posts are important, if for no other reason than they spark thought, ideas and exchange.
We modern-day parents pride ourselves on being open and honest with our children about the facts of life. No euphemisms for us - we use clinical terms, we talk about sperm and eggs, and we leave fables like cabbage patches to our predecessors.
But we're often caught flat-footed when our children make the next logical leap. So it happened to a friend of mine when her seven-year-old daughter came downstairs before bedtime with this
question:
"Mom, when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina to make a baby, does it feel good?"
When she recounted the tale in a private online forum, the crowd - all adults, mind you - recoiled. "How'd you handle it? What'd you say? How can we answer *that*!"
My response? You tell the truth about this, too. Yep, sex feels good. And telling the truth, using unvarnished words and frank talk, becomes even more important as our children mature and start to become aware of themselves as sexual beings. Too many people want to skip or gloss over the physical, mechanical aspects of sexual arousal when talking to their kids - or worse, they lie.
And too many parents want to believe that you can skip that whole conversation - the 'it feels good' aspect - by teaching their children that abstinence from all matters sexual is the only way of preventing kids from indulging in behaviors they're not yet emotionally ready for.
I believe the 'self-denial' solution is misguided, flawed, and hopelessly naive. What's worse - it's an example modern society fails to demonstrate. We overindulge in ways big and small, and deny ourselves very little. How can we honestly expect our children to follow a different path?
Am I advocating that we shrug our collective shoulders and go with the 'if it feels good, let it ride' philosophy? No - but I am suggesting that we not get all coy about the fact that our kids can- and will- be sexually aroused well before they're able to consummate that in a way that's deemed socially acceptable, or are emotionally ready for. And we talk honestly, without value judgements or squeamish euphemisms, about ways of dealing with that arousal. Yep, that means
we get blunt and realistic about topics like masturbation and safe sex, for starters.
Do I particularly want to talk to my son about how best to relieve or channel sexual tension? Uh
no. Does he want to talk to me - or any other adult - about it? Absolutely not. And I'm quite sure he doesn't even want to think about his mother as a sexual being either - one who struggles herself with these issues as a single dating parent (newsflash- if I don't do such a hot job all the time with that whole self-denial bit at 42 despite knowing better from first-hand experience, why do I honestly expect my kid to do better?)
I'd love to believe that it's not necessary - just like I'd love to be able to trot out the cabbage patch tale to describe where babies come from.
But I'm just going to have to buck up, put the squeamishness aside, and have that conversation anyway - or enlist his father or another adult male to do so in my stead, if necessary. And while I'm at it, we're going to talk about what consensual sex is - and isn't. The power dynamics of oral sex, as practiced by today's teenagers. The multiple definitions of sexual responsibility, from safe sex practices and beyond. What we mean when we use the term 'sexual ethics'. And the pros and cons of 'hooking up.'
If I'm going to do this, I'd just as soon leave no myth unquestioned...
As an aside, in another post, (well worth reading because of some excellent links) Betsy points us to a post by Mamacita wherin she discusses the the village of ours- a very different view than that of John's, in his guest post below.
We know these posts are important, if for no other reason than they spark thought, ideas and exchange.
We modern-day parents pride ourselves on being open and honest with our children about the facts of life. No euphemisms for us - we use clinical terms, we talk about sperm and eggs, and we leave fables like cabbage patches to our predecessors.
But we're often caught flat-footed when our children make the next logical leap. So it happened to a friend of mine when her seven-year-old daughter came downstairs before bedtime with this
question:
"Mom, when a man puts his penis in a woman's vagina to make a baby, does it feel good?"
When she recounted the tale in a private online forum, the crowd - all adults, mind you - recoiled. "How'd you handle it? What'd you say? How can we answer *that*!"
My response? You tell the truth about this, too. Yep, sex feels good. And telling the truth, using unvarnished words and frank talk, becomes even more important as our children mature and start to become aware of themselves as sexual beings. Too many people want to skip or gloss over the physical, mechanical aspects of sexual arousal when talking to their kids - or worse, they lie.
And too many parents want to believe that you can skip that whole conversation - the 'it feels good' aspect - by teaching their children that abstinence from all matters sexual is the only way of preventing kids from indulging in behaviors they're not yet emotionally ready for.
I believe the 'self-denial' solution is misguided, flawed, and hopelessly naive. What's worse - it's an example modern society fails to demonstrate. We overindulge in ways big and small, and deny ourselves very little. How can we honestly expect our children to follow a different path?
Am I advocating that we shrug our collective shoulders and go with the 'if it feels good, let it ride' philosophy? No - but I am suggesting that we not get all coy about the fact that our kids can- and will- be sexually aroused well before they're able to consummate that in a way that's deemed socially acceptable, or are emotionally ready for. And we talk honestly, without value judgements or squeamish euphemisms, about ways of dealing with that arousal. Yep, that means
we get blunt and realistic about topics like masturbation and safe sex, for starters.
Do I particularly want to talk to my son about how best to relieve or channel sexual tension? Uh
no. Does he want to talk to me - or any other adult - about it? Absolutely not. And I'm quite sure he doesn't even want to think about his mother as a sexual being either - one who struggles herself with these issues as a single dating parent (newsflash- if I don't do such a hot job all the time with that whole self-denial bit at 42 despite knowing better from first-hand experience, why do I honestly expect my kid to do better?)
I'd love to believe that it's not necessary - just like I'd love to be able to trot out the cabbage patch tale to describe where babies come from.
But I'm just going to have to buck up, put the squeamishness aside, and have that conversation anyway - or enlist his father or another adult male to do so in my stead, if necessary. And while I'm at it, we're going to talk about what consensual sex is - and isn't. The power dynamics of oral sex, as practiced by today's teenagers. The multiple definitions of sexual responsibility, from safe sex practices and beyond. What we mean when we use the term 'sexual ethics'. And the pros and cons of 'hooking up.'
If I'm going to do this, I'd just as soon leave no myth unquestioned...
Thursday, April 21, 2005
Of Mango, Muzik And Meaning
The Separation of God and Mango, is a very worthy follow up essay to the guest post by that author. In it, Mango states plainly and simply:
Regardless of what aura my "blog" persona radiates, this is not an issue I take lightly. I have thought about this a lot. It has bothered me for years, and I've been trying to find an answer that suits me, that allows me to sleep at night. I came up with the following conclusion:"Life exists, because it exists."
It is simple, yet complicated at the same time.
We recommend you read Mango's post- the insights are worthwhile and relevant.
In today's guest post, John draws the curtain aside, as we peek into the worthwhile life of a David, that has slain the Goliath of self defeat and self destruction. That healing is ongoing:
My mistakes were my own. I tried to blame my parents, but realized that their problems were caused by their parents and so on. The abuse in my family (both sides) stretches back for more than 4 generations. I decided it was time to break the cycle.John goes on to say,
The path to maturity, for me, was long and difficult and, even now, I continue to struggle with finding my way.
There is nothing beyond pure academics that I want the “village” teaching my children. I can teach them values on my own. I couldn’t care less if my values differ from those of the “village” I can handle the ridicule. Besides, I’m not impressed with what I see when I view the “village” objectively. Society as a whole is far more screwed up than my family, so why would I ever rely on what society says is a child rearing best practice. I don’t give a rat’s ass what the majority says. The majority, in my opinion, is represented by the group with the most whiners and the rest of us fall in line like the good little sheeple we are because we have acceptance issues.Where does the village really end and where does 'home' begin? Can we make that distinction, or is it made for us? Which of MuzikDude's messages resonated most loudly to you and why?
That said: I encourage my kids to form and voice their own opinions and they are allowed to disagree with me. I allow them to assert themselves within the boundaries of respect. I encourage individualism.
However, if one of my children blatantly disregards the values I have taught them, I know it isn’t because they have suddenly become enlightened beyond the limits of my own wisdom but because they want my attention…and they’ll get it
Back In One Piece, or, A Future Written Yesterday
SC&A usually like to present out guest pieces with a preamble, so as to provide you, our readers, with a sense of direction, or purpose.
This essay, written by John, author of The Sound of Muzik (a favorite blog) defies easy categorization. That isn't surprising- John, too, is hard to peg. He is serious, irreverant, funny and poignant- and always honest and forthright. Mostly, John makes us think. He has been through a lot and he has seen a side of life most of us would not ever have to know about. Not all of the story is pretty, a lot of it is painful and all of it is riveting It is a testament to John's remarkable life, achievements and insights.
We wanted to wait a bit before we posted this. It is a long and thoughtful essay that touches upon much of what we have discussed, either directly or by inference.
I’ve written this post numerous times and upon proofreading, I’ve concluded that I sound like a pompous ass. There’s no way around it.
I’m opinionated on subjects… but opinions do not an expert make. I realize this and I don’t pretend to be an authority on any subject. I’m not trying to convince anyone that I actually know what I’m talking about or even that I have experience in the areas of which I’ve formed opinions. Nonetheless, I intend to share my views in hopes that something I have to say makes sense to someone.
Let’s set the stage with a true story:
One of the guys I work with was retiring from the military and the decision was made to have the going away party at a topless bar. The group was howling at the girls on the stage, throwing dollars and making lewd comments. Just as one would expect a bunch of fun-loving guys in a room full of naked women to act. The place went dark in preparation for the next performance. There was smoke on the stage and the lights came up slowly as the girl began her dance. The place went wild…except for one guy. He realized that the girl he was lusting after was his 16-year-old daughter. Unaware of the situation, the rest of his friends continued to yell lascivious remarks at the girl.
Damn…that can ruin a party.
He pressed charges against the establishment because they hadn’t checked her ID before hiring her. The place was closed down due to the number of underage girls dancing there. A good number of men in that place had daughters that were older than the girls on the stage. There’s something sick about that.
This guy wasn’t willing to accept any of the responsibility for what his daughter had done. It was the fault of the people she hung around with, or the drugs she was doing, or something in the water.
I wasn’t actually at the party but he’s a friend of mine and confided in me about the incident. I asked why he didn’t put his foot down about the people she hung out with or the drugs she was doing. He said he didn’t want to tell her how to live her life she needed to learn how to make her own decisions. Besides, we can’t control everything our kids do.
She was 16-YEARS-OLD! Give me a break.
I don’t want people to tell me how to raise my kids so I don’t tell anyone how to raise theirs but honestly, we need to step back occasionally and see what kind of impact (or lack of) we’re having on their lives.
To think that we can influence the direction of our children’s’ lives is not naïve, although, I’ve been called naïve for thinking that way. I’ve been told that parents can’t compete with outside influences. People say that if we want our children to function in today’s society, we must conform to the “modern” ways of thinking. We must realize that oral sex isn’t considered a sexual act or that it’s acceptable for your daughter to wear a thong bikini in public. If we don’t let our children do what everyone else’s children are doing, we are guilty of sheltering them.
I try to teach my kids respect and integrity. I find myself contradicting the values of society when moral issues are raised at the dinner table. This makes things confusing for kids. I try to show some correlation between my beliefs and those of their peers and teachers but for the most part, they will need to figure it out on their own.
I am a Christian. Many people assume that I’ve lived my entire life as a Christian…that my parents were Christians…and that I’m some uptight, narrow-minded, ultra conservative that has never experienced “the other side of the track”. This assumption disqualifies me, in the minds of my critics, from having the ability to understand my teenagers.
I say pshaw.
I’ve come to find rest in God. Much needed rest at that but I haven’t forgotten my past. I understand the stressful environment of a teen. The nature of the stress may have changed since I was there but the trauma is the same. I’m fully aware of the troubles my kids face every day because I spend time with them and we talk to one another.
We call the time I spend with my kids “quality time” or “bonding”. There was a day when we didn’t need those labels because those things just happened. That’s what family was all about. I guess the occurrences are rare enough today that we need to define what’s happening. I spend this time gaining insight into the lives of my kids and I do my best to draw on my experiences to help them through the rough spots.
I try to minimize the undue stress in the lives of my teens. For example; I may very well be the only parent in the country that told my kids not to worry about the state level examinations in their schools. I even offered to pull them out for the testing cycle. They opted to go anyway. I think the fact that they weren’t being pressured into it was a factor in their decision. They went because I gave them a choice.
I will not have my children be stressed over a government sponsored cash cow program. Neither do I care if they see my rebellion against the stupidity of the system. I truly hope they learned something by it. Conformity is not always the best rule of thumb.
I’ve been rebuked for joking around with my kids because I’m “damaging their self-esteem”. I’ve raised my kids to have a sense of humor. I can call my son “stupid” if he does something stupid and he knows that it wasn’t a verbal assault, defamation, or malicious slander. Moreover, he’s learned to admit when he’s done something stupid. He calls me stupid if I blunder and I know he isn’t being disrespectful. I personally don’t care what onlookers think. We understand each other. My kids are sensitive enough to be empathetic and thick-skinned enough to ward off derision. I put great stock in the ability to laugh at adversity.
My sense of humor is probably the only reason I’m still alive.
I have vivid memories of my teenage years and I shudder to think that my kids may do the things I did. I don’t mean to be hypocritical but I cannot condone most of my adolescent experimentation with things such as drugs, sex, and the like. The reason I can’t bring myself to let my kids “experience” some things for themselves is that those things screwed me up at their age. I was in a self-destructive pattern designed to elicit attention from the adult world. In today’s terminology, I was a self-harmer. I would never have been content with merely cutting myself or other physical harm. I needed to ruin the entire package.
I wanted to be an individual and I felt like I couldn’t express myself at home (I’m sure you’ve heard that one before). Some parents tend to dismiss the concerns of their children because teens tend to be overly dramatic. There seems to be a fad among teens in our area to outdo the horror of each other’s lives. They make up stories about the emotional abuse they suffer at home or how terrible their living conditions are. I have to force myself to listen to my daughter retell the accounts of how every friend she has is living in hell on earth. Makes me wonder what her stories are like. Nonetheless, I listen because I don’t want her to feel ignored.
I felt ignored (even though I wasn’t) and I sought to do things that would shock society. I felt it was the natural thing to do because my upbringing had me thinking that girls were well behaved while boys were not. This thought entered my mind during one of my daily beatings. My father’s idea of discipline came in the form of a belt. He wouldn’t fold it like most abusive parents…he wanted to make sure I would catch the buckle and I always did. This is also where I learned the difference between discipline and injurious abuse. My sisters lived in fear of the punishment they saw me receive and were always very well behaved. I, on the other hand, was rebellious and became more so with every beating. I wasn’t afraid of anything because I felt there was nothing worse than what I was already going through.
I’ve heard people say that teens have more pressure in their lives today. They can’t cope. I hear a lot of talk about suicide, self-harming, drug abuse, and other destructive behavior as a means of escape. That’s no different than when I was a teen. We had stress. There were weapons brought to school, I fought every day, girls dumped me, my father abused me, blah, blah, blah. I drank, I did drugs, I thought about suicide.
I lost my best friend in third grade when his mother shot him in his sleep. That was the first time I can remember having thoughts of suicide.
In 8th grade, the girl I thought I was going to marry one day was killed by a drunk driver while crossing the street in front of our school. I was waiting for her on the other side and didn’t know what to do as she lay twitching in the middle of the road. I could barely handle the guilt. I watched her die and did nothing.
My best friend in High School came out of the closet in our senior year which implicated me as a homosexual, opening my life to unwarranted ridicule. It all stopped when my friend took his life with a shotgun upon his father’s reaction to the news.
There were a few times my girlfriend had missed her period. Those were some tense moments.
Most every week in my childhood was accompanied by thoughts of suicide. I was depressed, I was under pressure, I didn’t know how to cope.
So, can I relate to my kids?
Yeah…and then some. The difference is, I’m there for them. My kids thank me all the time for good advice I’ve given them. I get to hear how they implemented an idea that I gave them and how well it worked out. I don’t remember ever having those conversations with my dad. Actually, I don’t remember many conversations at all with my dad…mostly screaming and pleading with him to stop hitting me.
I often made bad choices just so I could feel like I was in control of my life. If I made all the right choices, I would have done so only because someone told me to. So the bad choices were king. I joined the church of Satan because I liked the reaction I got from people when I told them about it. Satanism is what introduced me to drugs and casual/ritual sex. These activities only worsened my already weak mental state. I was committed for psychiatric evaluation at age 17. I was diagnosed as a manic-depressive sociopath. So now I had a label to add to my already screwed up self-image.
My mistakes were my own. I tried to blame my parents, but realized that their problems were caused by their parents and so on. The abuse in my family (both sides) stretches back for more than 4 generations. I decided it was time to break the cycle.
The path to maturity, for me, was long and difficult and, even now, I continue to struggle with finding my way.
Naturally, I want things to be easier for my kids. I would never blaze a path into the forest only to leave my offspring to find their own way. I will always offer my trail for their use in order to make their journey less burdensome but I won’t demand they use it. However, I will ask that they stay close enough to find their way back.
It’s been said that it takes a village to raise a child but that only works if you can get the entire village to agree rather than contradict one another.
Of course, that statement was made by the village idiot.
There is nothing beyond pure academics that I want the “village” teaching my children. I can teach them values on my own. I couldn’t care less if my values differ from those of the “village” I can handle the ridicule. Besides, I’m not impressed with what I see when I view the “village” objectively. Society as a whole is far more screwed up than my family, so why would I ever rely on what society says is a child rearing best practice. I don’t give a rat’s ass what the majority says. The majority, in my opinion, is represented by the group with the most whiners and the rest of us fall in line like the good little sheeple we are because we have acceptance issues.
That said: I encourage my kids to form and voice their own opinions and they are allowed to disagree with me. I allow them to assert themselves within the boundaries of respect. I encourage individualism.
However, if one of my children blatantly disregards the values I have taught them, I know it isn’t because they have suddenly become enlightened beyond the limits of my own wisdom but because they want my attention…and they’ll get it. I believe that we should actually PARTICIPATE in raising our children. Child rearing is not the responsibility of the school system, the government, or psychiatric community. The more we pay attention to our children, the better we will know them and consequently, the easier it will be to fulfill their emotional needs.
Think about this:
Psychologists make their money parenting adults. A proactive parent can save their kids a fortune in therapy bills.
I know that I sound old school but I am certainly not old-fashioned in my way of thinking and my kids are anything but sheltered. I was raised in a liberal household and I see that it screwed me up just as bad as any conservative environment could have.
My kids are in their teens and I trust them both. They follow my rules (most of the time) and I reward them with privileges commensurate with their level of maturity.
At the same time, I feel it’s my responsibility to relate to them, not the other way around, so I’m willing to step out of my role as the domestic authority in order to make a connection. I’ll play video games with my kids instead of telling them that the games are rotting their brains. Then, when I say it’s time to stop, they are more willing to comply. I work on building credibility with them before demanding they follow all kinds of rules.
It only takes a moment to demand respect but it takes time, trust, and credibility to EARN respect. Even tougher than that is the establishment of MUTUAL respect. These are the things that make a successful parent. Any rabbit can pump out a litter but that doesn’t qualify it to be a parent.
I don’t claim to be successful. In fact, I’ve made more mistakes than I care to admit. That’s where I’ve gained my insight.
I’ve heard it said that kids are more difficult to raise these days. Well, kids haven’t changed; we have. How is it that even though we were all teenagers at one point, we view our own kids as aliens?
The circumstances and situations our kids encounter have changed due to societal shift but they are still the same species. We need to educate ourselves in the difference between their influences and the ones we faced. We accept and condone things that would never have been allowed when we were kids. As a whole, we view this as progress.
When I was a teen, sex was actually safe and we didn’t need a laboratory to get high. My biggest concerns were herpes and bad mushrooms but that doesn’t mean I would want my kids to act the way I did…even in those days. I made lousy choices when left on my own and so will my kids. All I can do is try to minimize the damage and hope that they retain the values I’ve tried to teach.
But what about those outside influences?
When I was a junior in high school, I knocked a tooth out of the head of some guy that called my sister a whore. Today, every girl’s a “ho” and we’re ok with it. I can’t wait to hear some punk assed freak call my daughter “bitch” or “ho”. I know I can get probation…as long as someone stops me before I kill him. So…yeah…I’m old fashioned in that regard.
I’m also old-fashioned when it comes to the definition of sex. I think that sexual pleasure goes hand in hand with sexual activity. I don’t care what hole you put it in.
I would have been thrilled as a teen if society had decided that oral sex was no longer considered a sexual activity. I can imagine what would have been going on at the bus stops every morning.
Hey, what’s the big deal? According to today’s values, there’s no difference between cunnilingus, fellatio, and a sneeze. Rationalization is the new fashion.
Speaking of fashion: Is it just me or does the new look seem to be “modern slut”?
I’ll let my daughter wear (modestly) short skirts and tight jeans etc…but there are limits. It seems that the word “obscenity” has been stricken from the English language in the name of self expression. I’ll even let my kids pierce and tattoo themselves. I just ask that we discuss the implications of the KIND of tattoo they get. I don’t desire to make my kid’s lives miserable; I just want to be an active contributor.
No one wants to deny happiness to their children. Is it cruel to deny them the opportunity to explore their sexual urges? My son was obsessed with guns when he was 10 but I didn’t put an M16 in his hands.
Actually, I did let him shoot an M16 when he was 10 but I was there to supervise. I can’t say that I’m going to be there to make sure he uses a rubber during sex.
Face it; no matter how we word it, we are encouraging our children to tempt fate. It’s all dangerous but we send them out there with safeguards that will only reduce the risks. There is no full protection.
If I let a toddler experiment with a garbage bag, the chances are he won’t tie it over his head and suffocate but I’m not willing to take the chance.
Condoms are not 100% effective as a form of protection. Hopefully, the one percent of parents that stand next to a hospital bed watching their kid drown in their own body fluid will find comfort in the value of exploration.
I’ve educated my kids in the use of personal protection but I will not let that be confused with encouragement to participate. Conversely, I will not teach my kids that sex is evil. I understand that they will do what they want. All I can do is prepare them to make informed and mature decisions.
My kids certainly do not lead charmed lives. We’ve been through hell but we went there together. I’ve shed tears for them. I’ve sobbed. I’ve had to watch, helplessly, as one of my children wrongfully suffered at the hands of our judicial system. I’ve also watched that same child pull through it with a level of maturity that I’m not sure I possess myself. To see one of my kids labeled as a felon because the system views teenagers as inherently bad was more than I could stomach. I nearly sacrificed my career in dealing with this situation. I spent so much time researching and talking with lawyers that my job performance dropped dramatically. I had gone from a stellar employee to a “slacker”.
Sometimes that’s the price we pay to make the right choices.
I’ve seen parents throw their hands up and say “my child is out of control. There’s nothing I can do”. I try to imagine the point where I would give up on either of my kids. At what point would their issues and problems become too inconvenient or too frustrating for me to deal with? If I had to dedicate the rest of my days tending to the needs of one of my children, I would do so.
We all have to ask the question: “How much of my life am I willing to sacrifice for my family?”
Hopefully the answer is the same when times get tough.
If I were to ignore the needs of my children or take an apathetic stance in the face of their issues, I am guilty of an abuse that is far worse than anything I had to endure.
I’m not saying that I have this parenting thing figured out but I’ve seen too many situations where a parent’s career or “personal needs” take precedence. I’ve heard parents claim that they don’t get enough “me time”. Well, you’ve already had your “me time”, that’s where your kids came from. Time is something that needs to be invested in the things you feel are important and your kids know this. We should be sure we are sending the right message.
Again, these are my opinions based on my own experiences, which are different than yours. I don’t expect that my methods or ideology would work for anyone but me.
Thanks for reading.
This essay, written by John, author of The Sound of Muzik (a favorite blog) defies easy categorization. That isn't surprising- John, too, is hard to peg. He is serious, irreverant, funny and poignant- and always honest and forthright. Mostly, John makes us think. He has been through a lot and he has seen a side of life most of us would not ever have to know about. Not all of the story is pretty, a lot of it is painful and all of it is riveting It is a testament to John's remarkable life, achievements and insights.
We wanted to wait a bit before we posted this. It is a long and thoughtful essay that touches upon much of what we have discussed, either directly or by inference.
I’ve written this post numerous times and upon proofreading, I’ve concluded that I sound like a pompous ass. There’s no way around it.
I’m opinionated on subjects… but opinions do not an expert make. I realize this and I don’t pretend to be an authority on any subject. I’m not trying to convince anyone that I actually know what I’m talking about or even that I have experience in the areas of which I’ve formed opinions. Nonetheless, I intend to share my views in hopes that something I have to say makes sense to someone.
Let’s set the stage with a true story:
One of the guys I work with was retiring from the military and the decision was made to have the going away party at a topless bar. The group was howling at the girls on the stage, throwing dollars and making lewd comments. Just as one would expect a bunch of fun-loving guys in a room full of naked women to act. The place went dark in preparation for the next performance. There was smoke on the stage and the lights came up slowly as the girl began her dance. The place went wild…except for one guy. He realized that the girl he was lusting after was his 16-year-old daughter. Unaware of the situation, the rest of his friends continued to yell lascivious remarks at the girl.
Damn…that can ruin a party.
He pressed charges against the establishment because they hadn’t checked her ID before hiring her. The place was closed down due to the number of underage girls dancing there. A good number of men in that place had daughters that were older than the girls on the stage. There’s something sick about that.
This guy wasn’t willing to accept any of the responsibility for what his daughter had done. It was the fault of the people she hung around with, or the drugs she was doing, or something in the water.
I wasn’t actually at the party but he’s a friend of mine and confided in me about the incident. I asked why he didn’t put his foot down about the people she hung out with or the drugs she was doing. He said he didn’t want to tell her how to live her life she needed to learn how to make her own decisions. Besides, we can’t control everything our kids do.
She was 16-YEARS-OLD! Give me a break.
I don’t want people to tell me how to raise my kids so I don’t tell anyone how to raise theirs but honestly, we need to step back occasionally and see what kind of impact (or lack of) we’re having on their lives.
To think that we can influence the direction of our children’s’ lives is not naïve, although, I’ve been called naïve for thinking that way. I’ve been told that parents can’t compete with outside influences. People say that if we want our children to function in today’s society, we must conform to the “modern” ways of thinking. We must realize that oral sex isn’t considered a sexual act or that it’s acceptable for your daughter to wear a thong bikini in public. If we don’t let our children do what everyone else’s children are doing, we are guilty of sheltering them.
I try to teach my kids respect and integrity. I find myself contradicting the values of society when moral issues are raised at the dinner table. This makes things confusing for kids. I try to show some correlation between my beliefs and those of their peers and teachers but for the most part, they will need to figure it out on their own.
I am a Christian. Many people assume that I’ve lived my entire life as a Christian…that my parents were Christians…and that I’m some uptight, narrow-minded, ultra conservative that has never experienced “the other side of the track”. This assumption disqualifies me, in the minds of my critics, from having the ability to understand my teenagers.
I say pshaw.
I’ve come to find rest in God. Much needed rest at that but I haven’t forgotten my past. I understand the stressful environment of a teen. The nature of the stress may have changed since I was there but the trauma is the same. I’m fully aware of the troubles my kids face every day because I spend time with them and we talk to one another.
We call the time I spend with my kids “quality time” or “bonding”. There was a day when we didn’t need those labels because those things just happened. That’s what family was all about. I guess the occurrences are rare enough today that we need to define what’s happening. I spend this time gaining insight into the lives of my kids and I do my best to draw on my experiences to help them through the rough spots.
I try to minimize the undue stress in the lives of my teens. For example; I may very well be the only parent in the country that told my kids not to worry about the state level examinations in their schools. I even offered to pull them out for the testing cycle. They opted to go anyway. I think the fact that they weren’t being pressured into it was a factor in their decision. They went because I gave them a choice.
I will not have my children be stressed over a government sponsored cash cow program. Neither do I care if they see my rebellion against the stupidity of the system. I truly hope they learned something by it. Conformity is not always the best rule of thumb.
I’ve been rebuked for joking around with my kids because I’m “damaging their self-esteem”. I’ve raised my kids to have a sense of humor. I can call my son “stupid” if he does something stupid and he knows that it wasn’t a verbal assault, defamation, or malicious slander. Moreover, he’s learned to admit when he’s done something stupid. He calls me stupid if I blunder and I know he isn’t being disrespectful. I personally don’t care what onlookers think. We understand each other. My kids are sensitive enough to be empathetic and thick-skinned enough to ward off derision. I put great stock in the ability to laugh at adversity.
My sense of humor is probably the only reason I’m still alive.
I have vivid memories of my teenage years and I shudder to think that my kids may do the things I did. I don’t mean to be hypocritical but I cannot condone most of my adolescent experimentation with things such as drugs, sex, and the like. The reason I can’t bring myself to let my kids “experience” some things for themselves is that those things screwed me up at their age. I was in a self-destructive pattern designed to elicit attention from the adult world. In today’s terminology, I was a self-harmer. I would never have been content with merely cutting myself or other physical harm. I needed to ruin the entire package.
I wanted to be an individual and I felt like I couldn’t express myself at home (I’m sure you’ve heard that one before). Some parents tend to dismiss the concerns of their children because teens tend to be overly dramatic. There seems to be a fad among teens in our area to outdo the horror of each other’s lives. They make up stories about the emotional abuse they suffer at home or how terrible their living conditions are. I have to force myself to listen to my daughter retell the accounts of how every friend she has is living in hell on earth. Makes me wonder what her stories are like. Nonetheless, I listen because I don’t want her to feel ignored.
I felt ignored (even though I wasn’t) and I sought to do things that would shock society. I felt it was the natural thing to do because my upbringing had me thinking that girls were well behaved while boys were not. This thought entered my mind during one of my daily beatings. My father’s idea of discipline came in the form of a belt. He wouldn’t fold it like most abusive parents…he wanted to make sure I would catch the buckle and I always did. This is also where I learned the difference between discipline and injurious abuse. My sisters lived in fear of the punishment they saw me receive and were always very well behaved. I, on the other hand, was rebellious and became more so with every beating. I wasn’t afraid of anything because I felt there was nothing worse than what I was already going through.
I’ve heard people say that teens have more pressure in their lives today. They can’t cope. I hear a lot of talk about suicide, self-harming, drug abuse, and other destructive behavior as a means of escape. That’s no different than when I was a teen. We had stress. There were weapons brought to school, I fought every day, girls dumped me, my father abused me, blah, blah, blah. I drank, I did drugs, I thought about suicide.
I lost my best friend in third grade when his mother shot him in his sleep. That was the first time I can remember having thoughts of suicide.
In 8th grade, the girl I thought I was going to marry one day was killed by a drunk driver while crossing the street in front of our school. I was waiting for her on the other side and didn’t know what to do as she lay twitching in the middle of the road. I could barely handle the guilt. I watched her die and did nothing.
My best friend in High School came out of the closet in our senior year which implicated me as a homosexual, opening my life to unwarranted ridicule. It all stopped when my friend took his life with a shotgun upon his father’s reaction to the news.
There were a few times my girlfriend had missed her period. Those were some tense moments.
Most every week in my childhood was accompanied by thoughts of suicide. I was depressed, I was under pressure, I didn’t know how to cope.
So, can I relate to my kids?
Yeah…and then some. The difference is, I’m there for them. My kids thank me all the time for good advice I’ve given them. I get to hear how they implemented an idea that I gave them and how well it worked out. I don’t remember ever having those conversations with my dad. Actually, I don’t remember many conversations at all with my dad…mostly screaming and pleading with him to stop hitting me.
I often made bad choices just so I could feel like I was in control of my life. If I made all the right choices, I would have done so only because someone told me to. So the bad choices were king. I joined the church of Satan because I liked the reaction I got from people when I told them about it. Satanism is what introduced me to drugs and casual/ritual sex. These activities only worsened my already weak mental state. I was committed for psychiatric evaluation at age 17. I was diagnosed as a manic-depressive sociopath. So now I had a label to add to my already screwed up self-image.
My mistakes were my own. I tried to blame my parents, but realized that their problems were caused by their parents and so on. The abuse in my family (both sides) stretches back for more than 4 generations. I decided it was time to break the cycle.
The path to maturity, for me, was long and difficult and, even now, I continue to struggle with finding my way.
Naturally, I want things to be easier for my kids. I would never blaze a path into the forest only to leave my offspring to find their own way. I will always offer my trail for their use in order to make their journey less burdensome but I won’t demand they use it. However, I will ask that they stay close enough to find their way back.
It’s been said that it takes a village to raise a child but that only works if you can get the entire village to agree rather than contradict one another.
Of course, that statement was made by the village idiot.
There is nothing beyond pure academics that I want the “village” teaching my children. I can teach them values on my own. I couldn’t care less if my values differ from those of the “village” I can handle the ridicule. Besides, I’m not impressed with what I see when I view the “village” objectively. Society as a whole is far more screwed up than my family, so why would I ever rely on what society says is a child rearing best practice. I don’t give a rat’s ass what the majority says. The majority, in my opinion, is represented by the group with the most whiners and the rest of us fall in line like the good little sheeple we are because we have acceptance issues.
That said: I encourage my kids to form and voice their own opinions and they are allowed to disagree with me. I allow them to assert themselves within the boundaries of respect. I encourage individualism.
However, if one of my children blatantly disregards the values I have taught them, I know it isn’t because they have suddenly become enlightened beyond the limits of my own wisdom but because they want my attention…and they’ll get it. I believe that we should actually PARTICIPATE in raising our children. Child rearing is not the responsibility of the school system, the government, or psychiatric community. The more we pay attention to our children, the better we will know them and consequently, the easier it will be to fulfill their emotional needs.
Think about this:
Psychologists make their money parenting adults. A proactive parent can save their kids a fortune in therapy bills.
I know that I sound old school but I am certainly not old-fashioned in my way of thinking and my kids are anything but sheltered. I was raised in a liberal household and I see that it screwed me up just as bad as any conservative environment could have.
My kids are in their teens and I trust them both. They follow my rules (most of the time) and I reward them with privileges commensurate with their level of maturity.
At the same time, I feel it’s my responsibility to relate to them, not the other way around, so I’m willing to step out of my role as the domestic authority in order to make a connection. I’ll play video games with my kids instead of telling them that the games are rotting their brains. Then, when I say it’s time to stop, they are more willing to comply. I work on building credibility with them before demanding they follow all kinds of rules.
It only takes a moment to demand respect but it takes time, trust, and credibility to EARN respect. Even tougher than that is the establishment of MUTUAL respect. These are the things that make a successful parent. Any rabbit can pump out a litter but that doesn’t qualify it to be a parent.
I don’t claim to be successful. In fact, I’ve made more mistakes than I care to admit. That’s where I’ve gained my insight.
I’ve heard it said that kids are more difficult to raise these days. Well, kids haven’t changed; we have. How is it that even though we were all teenagers at one point, we view our own kids as aliens?
The circumstances and situations our kids encounter have changed due to societal shift but they are still the same species. We need to educate ourselves in the difference between their influences and the ones we faced. We accept and condone things that would never have been allowed when we were kids. As a whole, we view this as progress.
When I was a teen, sex was actually safe and we didn’t need a laboratory to get high. My biggest concerns were herpes and bad mushrooms but that doesn’t mean I would want my kids to act the way I did…even in those days. I made lousy choices when left on my own and so will my kids. All I can do is try to minimize the damage and hope that they retain the values I’ve tried to teach.
But what about those outside influences?
When I was a junior in high school, I knocked a tooth out of the head of some guy that called my sister a whore. Today, every girl’s a “ho” and we’re ok with it. I can’t wait to hear some punk assed freak call my daughter “bitch” or “ho”. I know I can get probation…as long as someone stops me before I kill him. So…yeah…I’m old fashioned in that regard.
I’m also old-fashioned when it comes to the definition of sex. I think that sexual pleasure goes hand in hand with sexual activity. I don’t care what hole you put it in.
I would have been thrilled as a teen if society had decided that oral sex was no longer considered a sexual activity. I can imagine what would have been going on at the bus stops every morning.
Hey, what’s the big deal? According to today’s values, there’s no difference between cunnilingus, fellatio, and a sneeze. Rationalization is the new fashion.
Speaking of fashion: Is it just me or does the new look seem to be “modern slut”?
I’ll let my daughter wear (modestly) short skirts and tight jeans etc…but there are limits. It seems that the word “obscenity” has been stricken from the English language in the name of self expression. I’ll even let my kids pierce and tattoo themselves. I just ask that we discuss the implications of the KIND of tattoo they get. I don’t desire to make my kid’s lives miserable; I just want to be an active contributor.
No one wants to deny happiness to their children. Is it cruel to deny them the opportunity to explore their sexual urges? My son was obsessed with guns when he was 10 but I didn’t put an M16 in his hands.
Actually, I did let him shoot an M16 when he was 10 but I was there to supervise. I can’t say that I’m going to be there to make sure he uses a rubber during sex.
Face it; no matter how we word it, we are encouraging our children to tempt fate. It’s all dangerous but we send them out there with safeguards that will only reduce the risks. There is no full protection.
If I let a toddler experiment with a garbage bag, the chances are he won’t tie it over his head and suffocate but I’m not willing to take the chance.
Condoms are not 100% effective as a form of protection. Hopefully, the one percent of parents that stand next to a hospital bed watching their kid drown in their own body fluid will find comfort in the value of exploration.
I’ve educated my kids in the use of personal protection but I will not let that be confused with encouragement to participate. Conversely, I will not teach my kids that sex is evil. I understand that they will do what they want. All I can do is prepare them to make informed and mature decisions.
My kids certainly do not lead charmed lives. We’ve been through hell but we went there together. I’ve shed tears for them. I’ve sobbed. I’ve had to watch, helplessly, as one of my children wrongfully suffered at the hands of our judicial system. I’ve also watched that same child pull through it with a level of maturity that I’m not sure I possess myself. To see one of my kids labeled as a felon because the system views teenagers as inherently bad was more than I could stomach. I nearly sacrificed my career in dealing with this situation. I spent so much time researching and talking with lawyers that my job performance dropped dramatically. I had gone from a stellar employee to a “slacker”.
Sometimes that’s the price we pay to make the right choices.
I’ve seen parents throw their hands up and say “my child is out of control. There’s nothing I can do”. I try to imagine the point where I would give up on either of my kids. At what point would their issues and problems become too inconvenient or too frustrating for me to deal with? If I had to dedicate the rest of my days tending to the needs of one of my children, I would do so.
We all have to ask the question: “How much of my life am I willing to sacrifice for my family?”
Hopefully the answer is the same when times get tough.
If I were to ignore the needs of my children or take an apathetic stance in the face of their issues, I am guilty of an abuse that is far worse than anything I had to endure.
I’m not saying that I have this parenting thing figured out but I’ve seen too many situations where a parent’s career or “personal needs” take precedence. I’ve heard parents claim that they don’t get enough “me time”. Well, you’ve already had your “me time”, that’s where your kids came from. Time is something that needs to be invested in the things you feel are important and your kids know this. We should be sure we are sending the right message.
Again, these are my opinions based on my own experiences, which are different than yours. I don’t expect that my methods or ideology would work for anyone but me.
Thanks for reading.
