We have spoken to your mother. We know everything.

Thursday, January 12, 2006

The Renovating Blogger: SC&A Offer Advice

There is a fine blogger, one whom we used to admire greatly, going through a home renovation. Obviously, by willingly subjecting herself to that form of self flaggelation, our admiration for her has been tempered.

Because SC&A have made that same journey down the deadly Amazon of home repair and renovation, and barely escaped with our lives or a prison sentence for multiple felonies (on the last day, my ex asked if we could install another "two or three outlets". On the last day. That is a close to losing it as we ever got), we thought we would offer up our advice and truths for our friend and her (poor, suffering) husband.

1) You aren't a man till you have been through a reno. Your husband knows this to be true.

2) Do not tell hubby he's making your drean come true and you would remarry him, all over again. He knows. No one else in their right mind would go through a renovation like the one going on in your house.

3) If your husband ever meets Bob Villa, he'll kill him.

4) There is no single part of the renovation that can be 'easily completed in a weekend'.

5) Items/fixtures that you absolutely must have and 'are not in stock', can no longer be found, anywhere. Ever. Move on. In the unlikely event they are located, they are the more expensive version.

6) Contractors do not care about you or your home. They will do a fantastic job for someone else, but not you. That is because the red headed little girl you tormented in grade school was their cousin.

7) The reno is in full swing. Do not keep buying more decorator magazines, 'looking for ideas.' It was 'ideas' that got you into the renovation mess and money pit you and your husband now find yourselves. Your husband knows how many feet of moulding or tiles each $7.95 magazine buys. Having 60 or 70 magazines, no matter how neatly piled or well hidden, will be something he relates to his friends, as they ask themselves, "What do women want?"

8) When the reno is over, you will recall how happy you were in a one bedroom walk up, eating pizza off a milk crate. You really will have this conversation.

9) Three months after the promised completion, your husband will look at the mess and he will then take a fond (and longing) look back at his high school girlfriend. It doesn't matter that she now resembles a Greyhound bus. He will look back fondly. He will get over it quickly if you stick to rule number 7.

10) Pets do not care about renovations and they do not share your exquisite taste. You have been warned.

11) Funny thing is, you really were happy in that one bedroom walk up. You'll feel that 'just you and hubby' way again, about a week or two after the renovation is over and the contractors number escapes you. You guys did it, together, again.