Slouching Towards Gaza

MHNN (New York)- As events in the Middle East unfold at a breakneck pace, sources have informed MHNN that Dr Pat M Santy, therapist of world reknown and author Carnival of the Insanities, has agreed to a request by Ismael Haniyah, the Hamas Prime Minister, for a series of therapy sessions to deal with Haniyah's anxiety.

Sources tell MHNN that Haniyah initially refused to speak with Dr Santy until she was recommended by Iranian leader, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.

Despite a rocky start, Dr Santy has been working with Iranian leader. Ahmadenijad requested some time with Dr Santy after seeing an MHNN report published in March. In referring to Dr Santy, the Iranian leader had said

That so called American psychiatrist would be nothing here. Just because she worked for NASA, that American agency that disguises American imperialist aggression, is of no consequence.

The Peaceful Iranian Space Studies (PISS) project has launched 27 secret satellites that can detect Jews, Americans and other westerners from space. Our satellites orbit Uranus so as to avoid to detection by the Americans and Israelis.

Dr Santy applied for and was rejected by PISS. It is clear she is upset about her rejection when faced with the realization she was ill equipped to deal with superior Iranian technology.

The Iranian leader later contacted the renowned Dr Santy, former NASA flight surgeon and organic waste in space disposal expert and asked for help.

It was her analysis skills and ability to sift the desert sands of my mind that made me realize she could be of help. We found out her colleagues at NASA referred to her as 'Flush Santy.' We here in Tehran had to laugh- we are sure they meant 'Flash Santy.'

We asked Dr Santy about her sojourns to Tehran and her upcoming sessions with Ismael Haniyah.

MHNN: Welcome. How does it feel to be so widely accepted in the Middle East?

PMS: Thank you for having me. It feels strange to be doing so much traveling. On the other hand, Tehran isn't all that much different than Ann Arbor or Berkeley.

MHNN: Surely you jest! There must be some very big differences.

PMS: Mostly, the differences can be found within the student populations. Here, they resent the repressive authoritarian regime. In Ann Arbor, they celebrate the regime. Ahmadenijad laughs when talk about it in our sessions. He admitted that the regime gives out very few visas to American students- "If they came, the jig would be up for us. " Also, in Arbor, better pizza and deli are to be had. On the other hand, the Middle East has better falafel and humus.

MHNN: Do you see any hope for a peaceful Middle East? Will Ahmadenijad come to his senses?

PMS: You are a reporter. Pretend you are smart. Ahmadenijad can no more come to his senses than Ann el Khoury or Ismael Haniyah can tell the truth. The idea is to change behaviors, not mindsets. To change the way a society thinks takes couple of generations.

MHNN: So how do you change behaviors?

PMS: In the case of Ahmadenijad or Haniyah, threats are most effective- Hi! Meet MOAB! Couple that with support for political opponents and they will pay attention. For the el Khoury's of this world, simply pointing out our awareness of their hypocrisy and their deceit is enough to further dull an already blade, so to speak. When you remind a fool that he or she is nothing more than an ape in a tuxedo, the ape has two choices. He or she can learn or he or she will spiral into an ever deeper pathology. Civilized people don't care which they choose. As three brilliant and erudite friends like to say, "the disconnect from reality is always amusing to watch. They really believe that they can and will mislead the decision makers of the west. It's always a treat to see their faces, after the dance, when they realize the westerners really do know the reality and the truth." When things in therapy go badly, I threaten to bring in the three shrinks. It is usually at this point the whack job understands why I make them wear the Santy's Panties.

MHNN: Are you saying they are so disconnected?

PMS: Any idiot can tell you they are that disconnected. Ismael Haniyah believes the Palestinian problem is Israel. He sees the corruption, deceit and hypocrisy as a right. to be exploited so that he can further exploit. As far as he- and his supporters, like Ann el Khoury are concerned, the populations can be conned into believing that Israel is a source of 'shame' and 'humiliation.'

MHNN: Isn't that true?

PMS: Don't be an idiot or this interview is over. Do you wear Santy's Panty's on your head?

Now listen up. If the Arab world and Palestinians were really humiliated and shamed, they would build schools, not bombs. If they were really shamed, they would actually educate their children and not teach them to hate and kill. If the Palestinians were really ashamed and humiliated, they would demand their leaders make peace with Israel. It isn't as of the conditions were too tough.

* Cessation of hostilities and terror
* Secure borders.
* Diplomatic recognition of Israel.

Those are the minimum requirements as noted by Israel, the UN, the US, and the EU.

Only the Palestinians, the Arab world and their supporters think so. I suppose there is hope. Egypt has become the first Arab nation to actually go 'first world.' They are now building (read: assembling) washing machines. Of course, if the Israelis weren't supplying the parts, that achievement (the equivalent of building the pyramids in present day Egypt) would still be on the horizon.

MHNN: What will you tell Haniyah?

PMS: First I'm going to tell him I'm wearing a secret Israeli tracking device that also monitors conversations. If his lies get out of hand, I'll tell him to make a few very fast goodbye calls.

MHNN: But won't that put you in danger?

PMS: Don't be an idiot. I'll tell him the Israelis have a secret gas bomb that only kills Arabs and not Italians or Jews. He'll respond by saying, 'THAT'S NOT TRUE! WE ONLY SAID THAT FOR PROPAGANDA REASONS! ONLY IDIOTS WOULD BELIEVE THAT!'

I'll respond by telling him to shut up and stop blaming his mother for his problems. I'll tell him the Israelis wanted me to thank him for giving them the idea.

MHNN: But won't he know you lied to him when he sees this interview?

PMS: Did I?

MHNN: Do you give your famous patients any homework or assignemnets?

PMS: Of course I do. They have to read Carnival of the Insanities. I like to come into a therapy session when the patient knows just how far down the sanity ladder he really is.

MHNN: Doesn't that hurt their self esteem?

PMS: This interview is over, you dumb bitch. Keep the Santy's Panty's on your head- you are going to need them.