The Wednesday Weekly Whacky Award Goes To

The SC&A Academy of Extremely Peculiar Pathologies, is pleased to announce this week's winners of the Weekly Wednesday Whackjob Awards, commonly referred to as the ‘Whacky’s.’

First, some fine print: nominations will open each week until 10:00 PM, EST (After the broadcast of House, M.D.-sadly, now into summer reruns).

That's it for the fine print.

The directors of the SC&A Institute are pleased to announce this week's winners of the Whacky Awards are all fine examples of nut jobs, whack jobs and people with way too much time on their hands.
This week's show is being broadcast from the 53 acres of lush grounds at Broadmoor Hospital. Despite a few minor hiccups, Broadmoor forges ahead in the best British tradition.

A ‘Whacky‘ has been been awarded this week in each of the following categories:

The Thorazine Shuffle and Dance Award, presented each week to the politician who dances and shuffles without actually addressing reality or answering a question, is presented to Nancy Pelosi, who is running as fast as she can to try and stay ahead of the William J Jefferson indictment. Pelosi has still has not voted in favor of any meaningful House ethics reform and she has not shown any inclination whatsoever to investigate Dianne Feinstein.

If Ms Pelosi were so concerned with ethics, she would have investigated Senator Diane Feinstein and her husband, a Pentagon contractor that was awarded contracts that Ms Feinstein approved and oversaw, including a single contract for $600 million, with a potential of additional revenues that would bring the total contract value up to $3.1 billion dollars.
Instead, Ms Pelosi and her fellow Democrats obsess over Dick Cheney, who has long severed ties all ties with Halliburton.

No wonder the Black Caucus is upset. They can't be happy that the Dem leadership that keeps William Jefferson at the center of attention.

This week's Thomas Szasz Psychotherapy Award, presented each week to the biggest idiot therapist we can find, goes to Professor Nilli Lavie of the University College of London. The good professor has determined that being easily distracted isn't your fault and as such, you really should not be held accountable for the consequences. It is up to your employer to make sure you aren't afflicted with that debilitating condition.

Professor Lavie said: “This test could act as another form of psychometric testing for employers who want to know how focused the staff they are hiring are likely to be. Some jobs can be undertaken very well even if you are prone to being distracted. For example, you can be a great scientist or writer and still be absent-minded! But there are many areas where productivity critically depends on the ability of staff to stay focused, yet current psychometric tests do not measure it.”

This test correlates with responses given to the ‘Cognitive Failures Questionnaire’, which predicts a person’s level of distractibility provided that the subject answers honestly. The questions include: “How often do you find you accidentally throw away the thing you want and keep what you meant to throw away – as in the example of throwing away the matchbox and putting the used match in your pocket?”

Covering his ass, the professor notes that

Professor Lavie said: “Relying on questionnaires to assess how easily distracted potential employees might be obviously has its downsides – people are not always honest about their negative attributes during interviews.

Can a 'distractability' disability claim be far behind?

"I wanted to be a pilot, but I'm easily distracted. Here's the address I want my check sent to this address."

The Valium Award, presented to the dullard of the week goes to Junichi Uchikura, yet another underwear thief in Japan.

A Japanese man who tried to steal underwear belonging to a policeman's daughter had some explaining to do when the officer caught him red-handed dressed in a schoolgirl's uniform.

Junichi Uchikura, 24, had intruded into a yard after spotting a pair of the girl's underwear, police say.

But as it turned out, the underwear belonged to the daughter of a police officer.

Alerted by his wife, the police officer chased down Uchikura and was startled to find that the thief was dressed in a schoolgirl's uniform.

Left with little way to explain himself, Uchikura confessed he had snatched the uniform from another house in the south-west city of Kagoshima immediately before intruding into the policeman's home.

"He is saying he stole the uniform and tried to get the underwear to satisfy his sexual desire," a local police spokesman said.

The Trojan Award is presented each week to the person or persons we wish had never been born. This week's award is being shared.

French police have arrested a Danish artist who planned to paint the peak of Mont Blanc red in a bid to raise awareness of environmental issues.

Marco Evaristti, 43, originally from Chile, was picked up by police after having used a raspberry-based biodegradable dye on the top of the famous Alpine peak...

"As France has taken the right to conduct nuclear testing in French Polynesia thousands of kilometres away, it would be a clear case of double-standards if they now prevented me from occupying a small piece of land for peaceful purposes," he said.

Moving right along,

Police are searching for a naked peeping Tom seen prowling in only a ski mask, but they say people don’t take him seriously enough to report him.

“Some people just think he is funny. You know, a guy running around in a ski mask and nothing else. People just think that’s funny,” Covington police Lt. Jack West said.

Police believe he’s the same man occasionally spotted doing the same thing last year, West said. This time, though, he reportedly made sexual comments — something he didn’t do during last year, police said.

Peeping Toms can become more aggressive and eventually attack people, and police want to hear when he is spotted so he can be arrested before he hurts someone, West said.

Unconfirmed sources report that the ski mask worn by the perpetrator is a fashionable thong-style, hiding only his nose.

The NutriSystem “I’m Not So disgusting to My Spouse Anymore” Award, goes to the biggest loser of the week, a woman in search of a spouse. Here is an excerpt:

...although you know that I will ultimately leave you in an emotional bloody shredded heap in pursuit of my own needs, you will be unwilling and unable to exorcise me from your life, so serious replies only, please.

Here is the full ad, as it appears in Craigslist:

Alluring, Difficult Woman Seeks Stable And Assertive Man:

I am in search of a patient, assertive, and attractive man to aid me in my quest for self-improvement. These qualities are non-negotiable and the explanation is as follows.

After two intense failed relationships, {both which, in retrospect, were almost completely my fault but I was able to successfully manipulate things so as to make each man believe they were in the wrong} I have spent a lot of time thinking about who I am and I have isolated several personality traits that make it somewhat difficult for a normal person to have a relationship with me. I am looking for a man who is secure enough in himself to tolerate our exciting lifestyle {a background or degree in psychology is a plus.} I am determined to find a healthier way of approaching things, as I never want to ruin anyone's life ever again.

I have decided to be completely honest right off the bat, therefor eliminating the time it takes to 'get to know one another' {i.e. time it takes for you to realize I am a complete psycho- but by then you are completely helpless to resist my allure and charisma and are unable to wrench yourself from me, your beautiful demise.}

Some things you should know:

*I have a major 'Daddy' complex. My father, whom I adored as a god, left when I was young. No matter how well you treat me, you will never be as good of a man as my Daddy.

*I will never trust you. The first of two men I thought I loved and slept with cheated on me time and time again, and impregnated other women and paid for their abortions with my money. I did not find any of this out until two years into our relationship when we had a home and a life together and I was pregnant with a child of my own. These indiscretions, and my tendency to be rash and impulsive led to me having an abortion. I am prone to bouts of melancholy and self-hatred because of the guilt I still feel over this decision.

*I have no communication skills. I will never tell you what is wrong with me, nor will I share any of my secrets, fears, hopes or dreams with you. {I do have several of these- one of them is to someday not be so crazy.} You will have to pry information out of me. I feel like if I confide in you, when I ultimately drive you away- which I am bound to do- you will have these personal pieces of me and that makes me feel vulnerable and I am terrified of being vulnerable.

*I have an addictive personality. I was a crack addict when I was 15-16, and relapsed again when I was 18. I like to think I have conquered these addictions but it wouldn't surprise me if I relapsed again.

*I am a cold and unemotional bitch. This, of course, is all a facade, but you will constantly wonder if I truly care about you or not. If you do not pay me 100% of your attention, I will feel rejected and inwardly wonder why you do not love me. Then I will pretend that you are nothing more to me than a mote of dust- which of course I do not notice. If you pay me too much attention I will feel cagey and suffocated and walk out the door without telling you where I am going and may not return for several days. No matter how long we are together, you will never see me cry. I am a brick wall.

**CLARIFICATION**- About once every five months I will cry over my vacuumed fetus but when this happens I will lock myself in the smallest possible space I can find so you cannot see me. This is usually a closet or a bathroom, although I was partial to a large trunk I owned until someone confiscated it with my best interests in mind.

*Although I will always be completely faithful to you, I will have no less than five men in line who are able and willing to keep me platonic company if you ever need to leave for any reason. This is because I cannot bear to be alone, even though I pretend that that is all I want.

*I am terrified of commitment. Know that I will never marry you, or if in a moment of confusion I do agree to marry you, I will not show up on our wedding day.

*I have some sexual preferences that some people may not be able to handle. I want sex several times a day and I like to be hit, choked, and called nasty names. Please be comfortable with such abuse.

* I am incredibly indecisive. I do not know what I want to eat, wear, or do at any given time. Once we have reached a decision I will change my mind. I am also extremely scatterbrained and lose my keys, phone, wallet, etc. on a regular basis. I will expect you to be able to locate these items. I am also very impatient and want what I want when I want it, with no regards to your feelings.

*I throw punches when I feel cornered. I kickbox, so they are good punches.

Now that that is out of the way, I do have some redeeming qualities!

*I am beautiful, intelligent, educated and articulate. You can be assured that all of your family and friends will envy you for having such a wonderful girlfriend. I am definitely the girl you can bring home to mom. You and only you will know of my dichonomy and my psychotic antics when we are alone.

*I can cook a mean steak.

*When I am happy, {which is a good portion of the time} you will feel like the most amazing man alive and the center of my universe.

*I am artistically gifted.

*I have a stable and lucrative career.

*I make friends with everyone, including homeless people and vicious dogs. I take bugs out of my house and let them go.

As mentioned, I am extremely charismatic and you will be unable to resist my charms. I guarantee you will fall in madly and twistedly love with me, and although you know that I will ultimately leave you in an emotional bloody shredded heap in pursuit of my own needs, you will be unwilling and unable to exorcise me from your life, so serious replies only, please.

P.S.- Please be an animal lover. If you are not, then I am not the girl for you.

The Haldol Honor, awarded each week to the person or persons most out of touch with reality, goes to the author of Bad Cop News, a blog dedicated to bringing to light bad behavior by cops. Notwithstanding the hundreds of thousands of dedicated law enforcement personnel and their support staff throughout the country, the author wants to convey the impression that 'cops gone wild' is a national epidemic. There are links to 'Impeach Bush' and 'All White Dating' sites. Clearly, this is a blog with breathtaking scope and original political ideologies.

The Methamphetamine Medal, awarded each week to the most hyper, histrionic, hysterical, spaced out documented behavior goes to the guy who wrote about himself.

I think that I, along with one of my best friends, were the two worst roommates ever. We were legendary for our filth...

Our room was much, much worse. What started out as simply messy turned into a biohazard.

It started out as a contest to determine who was lazier. We thought it would be funny to see who could come up with the most comically absurd way to do something with the least amount of work.

It started with throwing the daily newspaper on the floor when we were done with it. This being funny for all of two seconds we progressed to empty pizza boxes and rough drafts of papers. After a week we started adding our beer bottles and cans to the mix. (Now you have to understand that we were drinking very heavily. I was drinking nearly seven or eight quarts of Magnum malt liquor a day, and he was contributing vast numbers of cans)...

We soon had whole colonies of flies and roaches living in our room, scurrying around like they owned the place. Being too lazy to kill them, we had a rule that they would be eliminated only if they crawled on us while we were awake. Barring that they were free to do as they pleased.

I think that twice a month the exterminator would go from room to room spraying for bugs. When he came to our room he would key in, look around, and walk out. I guess he figured it was of no use even trying.

Read it all... if you dare.

The Viagra Statuette, (male or female), goes to the People's Republic of China, who believe dance is the way to keep Chinese kids healthy and fit.

Dance classes soon will be mandatory for Chinese elementary and secondary students because of worries about increased obesity, state media reported Tuesday.

The China Daily said in a front-page story that the dance classes - "to suit the physical and psychological characteristics of students at all ages" - will become compulsory from Sept. 1, quoting a notice from the Education Ministry.

The Chinese are taking fitness very seriously.

Xinhua said the ministry was considering recording the results of physical tests in students' academic files, and could use them as a way to split university applicants who have the same score on written tests. Competition for spots at China's top universities is grueling.

We can see the rejection letters from Chinese universities:

Due to your poor performance in the Tango, Cha Cha and Waltz, admission to our university is denied. While we appreciate your successful replication of the cold fusion experiments and groundbreaking work in anti gravity and plasma studies, we believe you will not be a good fit in our university.

Best of luck on your career track at the Bang Bong Technical Institute of Fax Machine and DVD Player Repair.

The ECT Battery Award, presented to the most shocking news story of the week, goes to the parents that have started a trend: Jet Set Kids.

The city's youngest high-fliers are pampered campers whose parents are paying big bucks to jet them off in style to their summer vacations.

In some cases, parents are spending thousands to save kids a bus ride of less than an hour.

The charter company Revolution Air has assigned more than 20 private jets to fly children to summer camp at the end of June, at a cost of about $8,000 a flight.

To cater to their young clients, the company has developed a special menu, including peanut butter-and-jelly sandwiches, chicken fingers and ice-cream sundaes.

Property developer and mother of three Robin O'Hara is sending her 8-year-old, Danielle, on a 30-minute flight to Lake Bryn Mawr Camp in Honesdale, Pa.

"The bus takes 31/2 hours. It is crowded, and it's always a very dramatic scene," said O'Hara, of Great Neck, L.I.

"This year, she is not going with her [older] sisters, so we want to make it a special, unique experience for her.

"It's a trend. A lot of my friends do it," O'Hara said. "They play videos, they serve kids' food, sometimes, we'll have a manicurist on board."

Keewaydin camp director Peter Hare said that for the first time in the Vermont camp's history, one of its kids, a 12-year-old, will be arriving by private jet, choosing a one-hour flight over a five-hour bus trip from New York.

"We have one student flying from New York on a private jet. It's a first for us," he said. "We are not a flashy camp at all. We are a rustic, simple camp. We live in tents."

Revolution Air President Ronald Goldstein said bookings are still coming in.

"Now the kids are starting to demand private jets. The children got spoiled on the custom of flying privately," he said.

Goldstein said his clientele are primarily based in New York. "Very Park Ave," he said. Some planes leave from airports in New Jersey or from the Hamptons.

One of the shortest trips the company has booked is 45 minutes from West Hampton to Saranac Lake.

"The last request we got was for someone who wants to go to camp on June 25," he said, adding that the kid has requested Cap'n Crunch be served.

Charlotte Morello, of Connecticut, has organized a birthday party for her 9-year-old daughter, Meredith, on a private jet next month. "All her cousins will come onto the plane," Morello said. "We'll have a manicurist and a model on the runway theme."

And everybody wants to know how Paris Hilton 'happened.'

Finally, The HRT (Hormone Replacement Therapy) Prize is awarded to the author of this Craigslist beauty, Memo To Straight Women Seeking Gay Male Friends.

Hi there. I am a gay man living in Los Angeles. Let me just say that I have many women friends. And I applaud the open-minded, progressive attitudes most straight women seem to have nowadays.

However, I have noticed that we've crossed over into a place where some women are just a little too comfortable with homosexuality. "Too much tolerance" you say? I'll explain.

Honestly, I am flattered when a woman says something along the lines of "you're cute. Too bad you're not straight." That's nice to hear. I'm not going into some PC tirade over a compliment. You know what though? I only need to hear it once. My friend's friend says it every time I see her. She does the rubbing my upper back back, hands in my hair shit. And you know what I want to say? "LISTEN. My being gay isn't the only reason it would never happen." Like, back the fuck up. And she's also volunteered to be my beard at events. "Great, we'll time travel to the 1950s when people in LA last did that."

I think "Will and Grace" has instructed an entire generation of women that gay men are dying - DYING! - to be your friend and indulge your every co-dependent and neurotic whim. We'll be there in a clinch with a "you go girl!" or "you look fierce!" Because we all love to say that stuff and many other quippy zingers.

The memo is a must read.

Now while we're on the topic of crazy, be sure to visit the latest Dr Sanity Carnival Of The Insanities for more bizarre, arcane, insane and incredible examples of what can be found in the whackosphere, blogosphere, MSM and NASA.



"There is a thin line between genius and insanity. I have erased this line."- Oscar Levant