PMS And OBL: On The Couch

MHNN (Ann Arbor)- Osama bin Laden is dealing with self esteem issues.

After a few hurried and hushed phone calls, the leader and coach of the Islamic Fanatics agreed to a few sessions on the couch with Dr Pat Santy (PMS), former NASA psychiatrist and organic waste in space specialist and renowned Ann Arbor therapist. Santy is also author of Carnival Of The Insanities, the most important read of the week after the Walmart, Target and KFC coupon weekend newspaper inserts.

After years in hiding and silence, bin Laden was hurt when his latest message not taken seriously.

From the IHT:

Osama bin Laden's latest message is a hodgepodge of anti-capitalist vitriol, impassioned Islamic evangelism and what can best be described as a twisted attempt at reconciliation: Join us, or we will kill you.

PMS: Good morning.

OBL: Good morning, infidel whore.

PMS: That's not very nice.

OBL: Too bad, you uncovered piece of meat.

PMS: Where is all the rage coming from?

OBL: I'm sorry. It's Ayman al Zawahiri. That glory hound bastard is driving me crazy.

PMS: How so?

OBL: He thinks that just because he's made all the tapes for the last few years, he a rock star. He insists on having an Airstream trailer, caterer and makeup artist at all times. Ha! There is no amount of makeup that can make him less ugly!

PMS: Sounds like that bothers you.

OBL: Let me tell you, that Zawahiri is a hack and a quack. Just because he went to medical school, he thinks he's better than everyone else. Well, he isn't. He's a fraud. All the medical attention he has shown me hasn't helped. Every time I piss it burns like hell. I think of him every time I whip it out. And another thing- he thinks he's a real Islamist because he cut off a few cadaver heads in medical school. I cut the heads off of real, living people. Who the hell think he is, anyway?

PMS: Living in a cave must be difficult. What do you miss the most?

OBL: Electricity.

PMS: Not to worry. I have a three colleagues that have promised to remedy that.

OBL: Cool.

PMS: Any regrets?

OBL: Sure. If I had to do it over again I'd get into the coffee business.

PMS: Coffee?

OBL: Yeah, like Starbucks. I would have named my coffee shops after my four wives.

PMS: That would be a long name for a coffee shop!

OBL: No it wouldn't. The coffee shops would be called 'Whiners.' HA! HA! HA!

PMS: You could still get into coffee shops and out of terror business.

OBL: Well, it's probably too late for that. Maybe I could open up a chain of exploding coffee shops called Cafe Kaboom!

PMS: That probably isn't a good idea.

OBL: I know. Let's face it, Zawahiri would get all the recognition and the chicks. He's like a rock star back where I come from. The last time we were in town he pulled an Atta.

PMS: Pulled an Atta? What does that mean?

OBL: Sorry, I thought you knew. 'Pulling an Atta' is going into a strip joint, getting loaded and getting lap dances, all in the name of religious experience. That bastard gets his drinks and lap dances for free. I still have to pay, and I can't get loaded anymore- the pissing pain is unbearable.

PMS: Why do you hate America.

OBL: I don't hate America. I love America!

PMS: You do?

OBL: Yup. I love the USA. I love hot dogs, pizza, KFC and Super Big Gulp Slurpees, if they do make me piss like a racehorse and cause me the pain of one thousand dying camels. It's Americans I can't stand.

PMS: Why do you hate Americans?

OBL: Because Americans don't believe in the same things I do. If they did, I'd have no problems with Americans.

PMS: What bothers you so much about Americans?

OBL: Look, it is unfair to hold us accountable for our actions. You have to take our culture into consideration. We behead friends and relatives at picnics. We abuse women at will and we have no real gay rights issue activists because we know how to 'discourage' them. And what is it with you people and religious tolerance, anyway?

PMS: You don't really mean that.

OBL: I mean, who cares? We don't even really give a damn about our own religious adherents or holy places. Hell, we destroy our own religious shrines to put up condos and parking lots. Why the hell should we respect your infidel and idiotic beliefs? And what's up with giving up slavery? Whose smart idea was that? We've got plenty of slaves in Saudi Arabia to do the manual labor. Now we want to enslave the Jews. Want to know why? Because we also need smart slaves. Between the working slaves and Jews, why, we won't have even have to think any more!

PMS: OK, our time is up for this session.

OBL: Do you think we can ever be friends?

PMS: No.

OBL: Why not?

PMS: Because you are a whack job.

OBL: You can fix that, right?

PMS: We'll talk again next week. In the meantime, you have some homework. Read Carnival Of The Insanities.

OBL; Will that help me?

PMS: That, some electricity and more therapy is a start.