From The SC&A Mailbag: The Enviro Jihadi

The sky is falling, the sky is falling!

In the world of the gloom and doom radical environmentalists, those are some of the most intelligent words you might ever hear. In that world, capitalism, freedom and democracy have been the great tragedies that have befallen 'Mother Earth.'

That was the gist of an email from a self described 'enviro Jihadi' we received this morning excoriating America and Jews (surprise!) for allowing Mother Earth to fall into a final and tragic state of decline. Our correspondent believes that only a total repudiation of modern life, technology, energy consumption (and the absolute eradication of Jews) might offer mankind the slimmest chance of survival.

Even if we eliminate our correspondent's political views (and that would be a first- the political views of radical environmentalists are always more important than the cause itself), there are some realities and truths today's radical enviro storm troopers must deal with.

The entire global population must be relocated to within 100 or so miles of the equator, because only people living in that geographical band will be able to survive for a long time without clothing. To be clear, the only reason there are people in Montreal, New York, Paris, London or Reykjavik is because of pants and other fashions made of animal hides. We hope Grandpa can make the hike.

Inasmuch as most clothes are made with machines that consume energy, we had better get cracking. Since animal skins will no longer be acceptable, be careful not to step on anything that might cut your feet. Of course, if you do get hurt, forget about hospitals, modern drugs and medical equipment. You're screwed, but at least you'll have environmental integrity. Say goodbye to Grandma- it isn't as if she contributed a whole lot, anyway.

The kids will be pleased- no more school. Books and paper are a tremendous drain on Mother Earth and besides, who wants to sit next to kid who has never heard of toilet paper, tampons or napkins? Never again will kids need to understand that most evil of words 'flush,' the word that poisoned so much of our water. Now, kids can crap wherever and whenever they please.

Dysentery is such a nice word, has a nice ring, don't you think? Kind of like Polio, Measles, Mumps and Chicken Pox and a whole bunch of other infectious diseases. Not that it really matters- caring for children is way over rated and besides, parents need timeouts, too.

There is an upside, of course. We can share our meager resources with other primates, reptiles and arachnids, because we have to be responsible stewards of the earth for all creatures great and small. We can be happy surviving on berries and grass. We don't need meat, even if our ancestors did. No fish, either. If it has a face, you can't eat it. The culinary possibilities are endless.

We will have to gently educate our own native peoples that Pemmican, that mixture of meat and fat and jerky will henceforth be off limits. No doubt your enthusiasm will be met with great joy.

There are earth friendly shelters that can keep you warm and dry. They are called igloos. Sadly, there aren't too many of them found near the equator. Tents are out. Leaves, branches and bark are in, huts built with machine made tools are out. Beware of snakes and other creepy crawlies.

Pizza is out, rooty tooty arrowroot is in. Yummy.

Don't drink the water and stay out of the rivers. In some part of the Equatorial world, some poor, lesser developed animals have no problem eating bipeds or other stupid creatures with faces. The good news is that you will never have to worry about buckling the kids in or wearing a bicycle helmet, ever again. There will be some other adjustments to deal with. For example, a blowgun is not a sexual reference.

The good news is that you will be a source of nutrition for the natives. It is unlikely you will be welcomed with open arms as the Great White God, even after sharing the life changing and thrilling artwork of Alicia Shvarts.

Of course, there are many stripes of environmentalists. Not all are as shallow, stupid and irrelevant as our enviro-jihadi correspondent. That said, they all would do well to consider the above realities.

More on the subject tomorrow.