Late Night Laugh: Memorable Quotes

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."-- Rodney Dangerfield

"Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy."-- Albert Einstein

"Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry."-- Bill Cosby

"Never stand between a dog and the hydrant."-- John Peers

"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate it."-- Franklin P Jones

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my Grandfather did, in his sleep -- not screaming, like the passengers in his car"-- Unknown

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."-- Dave

"I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio."-- Rodney Dangerfield

"Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic."-- Dan Rather

"Hermits have no peer pressure."-- Steven Wright

"Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering."-- Unknown

"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh man....I could be eating a slow learner."-- Lyndon Johnson